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Meanderings

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

I went to my dad's house for the past two weeks to quarantine after three appointments at the hospital. It was nice being at dad's. Yes, I was in terrible pain but at least had someone to get me a drink of water and cook our meals. It's that last statement that trouble could have been brewing...I went into that situation with my eyes open....that meaning that dad and I like to eat together, whether it's out or at home...we enjoy the food. This time I went determining not to gave a lot of weight.The length of stay was double my usual time there and in that one week span, I could normally gain 5 lbs. We only ate one "Meal" out and that was a small turtle and chocolate ice cream Blizzard from DQ. It had just opened for the season and we had to honor their return. :) ...Even so, i worked the calories in so they didn't tip the apple cart.

When I returned home I found i had gained 2 pounds. And I maybe did something foolish. I really had no appetite since I returned home. so i had a couple of days below the minimum allowed calories. I know that this can trash your metabolism...so yesterday I deliberately ate food I didn't want, just to shock my body into metabolizing the food I am eating. Today I didn't weigh myself. I'm sticking to 1200 calories today. I have found that if I eat 1200 calories consistently, my weight loss stalls to nothing. I have to keep changing it up.

Mentally? I'm highly unmotivated to involved in any kind of chore or project that needs to be done. I wish I could sleep today. Pain wore me out last night and got me up at 12:30 for good. I really need a nap but don't foresee one coming. (Funny, just after I wrote the preceding sentence, I fell asleep ----only be awakened by a robo-call).

I just feel out of step. Beth said "The 170's are just around the corner!" and you know I could not own that joyful hope. I need to think on it and get excited by it. It does feel impossible (which Beth says is "I'm Possible"). Part of my discouragement is my appearance.
While the belly rolls are almost gone, there is plenty of sag. I tried on some new (size 16!) clothes i had ordered and while they fit me, they were just unflattering. I still look like a fat person. I know this is largely due to my inability to exercise.

I need a shot of inspiration. I need some encouragement that I can own.
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