Hello dear sparkies:
I have been barely functioning this month. What with the lockdown of the Corona virus and the sad, sad, state of grief I am in I've been struggling...a LOT!
I am happy to say I finished my challenge and lost my 5% plus an additional pound which seems like the only bright spot in the whole darn month. I love my Teddy Bear team and would walk over fire coals for them so that is the only incentive I had to try and take care of myself this month.
May has ALWAYS been a crappy month. Our beautiful son passed on May 16th, then his birthday is today when he would have turned 37 years old. The only bright spot in the whole month used to be May 20th which would have been our 45th wedding anniversary...but now that date is just another crappy day reminding me how much I have lost in this lifetime.
I'm not saying that my grief is any more important than the grief we all have bore at one point in our lives and it is of big primary importance to me but there are thousands of people suffering in this world and I never try to lose sight of that. We ALL have our crosses to bear...it just seems like when it's your own it feels paramount.
I have been applying and applying for some small business help on my little consignment shop that my hubby and I have owned for the past 10 years. I've heard NADA from everything I've applied for. This too...is extremely discouraging. and quite frankly depressing. I can only hope one of them will eventually come through for me. It angers me that big high placed corporations get the money earmarked for the small mom and pop shops but isn't that the way it ALWAYS seems to go? Money and influence...those are the markers that seem to make the world go round. Just SO unfair!
I'm also sickened and extremely upset as I'm sure so many of you are too about the blatant racism that is going on in our country. It seems that evidence RIGHT IN OUR FACES is ignored and swept under the carpet. Combine that outrage to the current anger from being locked inside for so long and you see the apocalypse it sets off. How horrible for my dear friend who lives in MN to see her beloved city trashed and burned. Just breaks my heart for her!
In the meantime, besides bumbling around the house feeling sorry for myself which is something I seldom do I'm doing everything I can to adapt my business to more of an online presence. I've been building a new website with a checkout register as I absolutely KNOW shopping has changed even more so to social media checkout now that the corona virus has forced online status.
I must say that ALL of this has gone painfully slow since I feel like I'm dragging myself through quicksand.
I don't know about you but I've found that being on lockdown has just sucked every bit of motivation right out of me. I feel like we have been conditioned by this time to just hunker down in the safety of our house isolated from the world around us.
I have had a few little 'social distancing' get-togethers with s few of my grief group friends and I think those events have been the only thing holding my sanity together.
I know we ALL have learned that we are very social creatures and we do NEED each other for motivation, inspiration, and good ole' human contact. I'd give a million dollars for a good ole' fashioned hug these days.
Thankfully I have my trusty little pal Mackelmore Blue to cuddle. He gets LOTS of cuddles and I know he enjoys them, he can get almost pesty jumping up on my lap throughout the day.
He also is my 'chief corona mask inspector'
I have also had crazy problems with my a/c. The upstairs unit croaked so I know it makes the downstairs unit work a lot harder to cool down the house where the temp can get in the mid-90's during the day here in SW Fl.
I also have to have someone come out and shore up our pergola which is rotting out and crumbling. I can't have weak wood right outside my window that can turn into missiles during hurricane season. YUCK...I don't EVEN want to think about hurricanes.
So in ending this pretty dismal update on my blog, I thank you for your wonderful support during these low times and I'm honoring my handsome son who left this earth WAY too early. He was only a few weeks shy of his 23rd birthday when he went away to a MUCH better place. He is lucky as is my husband that they are both together just waiting for the 3rd amigo to join them so we can enjoy all of our angel duties together!
I've been doing (have more than enough time to do so) a lot of thinking and pondering on why I was left behind and two of the most loved and adored precious people I have on this earth were taken away from me and the only thing I can come up with is that my life mission still has things to accomplish. Maybe it's being more empathic and understanding to all of the people suffering in pain on this earth, maybe it's to share my painful lessons to help their lives be easier, maybe it's teaching me that I can...I must survive on my own violation. Maybe ...maybe...maybe. It sadly is what it is.
Viva Joshua Gavin Signs....you were a bright and shiny soul...you gave your full self to your friends and your family. Your quick and sarcastic wit was always so funny. You loved animals and children and always picked up for and defended the underdog. You were my greatest contribution to this earth...I love you son and I'll be with you and your dad further down the river!
Here is a very cool painting of one of my fav pics of Josh that one of his buddies painted and gifted to me and his dad. Thank you Keith...I will treasure this always!