The Highs and Lows
Friday, June 19, 2020
I spoke to Beth the other day about how i am frustrated by the scale which seems to have its own mind regardless of what I eat. Last week, I was at a new low and two days later, while eating essentially the same number of calories I gained five pounds...and true, it has come back off but it took me four or five days to get rid of it again. She suggested mixing it up a bit..mixing up my body that is: eating four days at the minimum suggested weight and the three days near the maximum amount of suggested calories. I just completed 3 days at the higher end....I am visiting my dad again so eating more is easy. Now comes the challenge: cutting it down to the minimum.
I'll be honest, I found eating at the higher calorie count is very frightening for me I haven't weighed myself and don't know if I should until I get some of the days at a lower calorie count under my belt. And maybe i should have left well enough alone. It is true...i was losing so why mess with it? Now I am afraid I did damage to my rhythm and BMR, which i know is just old anorexic "tapes" playing in my head. Nothing is irreversible. No ground has been lost. ( I hope)
On the good side, I had a very nice NSV (non--scale victory) yesterday. I was looking for some inexpensive clothes for hot weather at Walmart. I was clueless about what size to buy. I took a quiz on Penney's website to determine what size clothing i need without measuring myself. It said I am a 16. So yesterday I bought a pair of capris in a 14/16 and a pair of shorts in a 16 and a top in a woman's 14. I got them home and tried them on and -----they all fit!! At my biggest I had trouble even squeezing into a 2X.
I look at my body and sometimes I get a glimpse of the changes there..but often I just can only focus on the mounds of flesh still needing to go. My greatest concern is my level of complete deconditioning. I am almost weaker than I have ever been. I need to find some kind of exercise I can manage. I am in really horrific pain all the time ( I have RA -rheumatoid arthritis and PsA- psoriatic arthriitis) and almost every joint is compromised and hurting. I really need to get back into PT and have someone experienced help me out. However, due too the pandemic, the county bus system has not been functioning and now, when they are on the brink of starting again, now they are short of drivers---so I can't count on them for regular rides. I think maybe if I try to do exercises like I've seen seniors do..lifting my arms overhead. Practice standing unsupported. Leg and calf lifts and some crunches...I know that that right there would be very challenging for me. It's so hard to motivate myself to move when moving really hurts.
So these are some of the struggles...and some of the victories I've been having. One struggle I haven't mentioned is the severe pain I've been in. I've been using either a walker or forearm crutches and when i go anywhere i use my electric wheelchair. And I have been having pain levels that are through the roof. I cannot walk the 20 or 30 feet from the living room recliner to the bathroom or kitchen without almost being in tears. My ankles are fused - one surgically and one by the disease itself...and they hurt beyond describing. and every other joint in my body is not much better. But that is what it is.. There are times when i hurt too much to eat and there are times when I eat because it is basically my only source of pleasure.