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Movin' On

Monday, June 22, 2020

Yesterday I wrote about my massive "slip" and said that it was over and I was fully committed once again. nice words. But not true--my greedy self had not finished its plunder. I started munching down on some cookies....so I threw the rest of the package into the garbage (sorry starving children in Africa --but they had to go) ...but then, there were these dark chocolate bars which normally can take me a week or more to get through. They were a "safe" food for me.
Well, not anymore....when greed takes the wheel even the kitchen chairs are not safe. lol. I guess it is appropriate that I didn't track my food yesterday or most of the day before ---because that means that in my count of log ins and trackings, the tracking will be an accurate reflection of my new start; My fresh start; my recommitment. I would HATE to have to stop coming to spend days with my dad...these mini vacations are the only thing, aside from Heaven, that I look forward to. All that we seem to do is to eat. Every place we go has favorite gustatory attractions. We make pilgrimages and our reward is the food at the end of our trek. It would be SO HARD to separate food from my visit. Eating is the one thing this broken down body of mine can do. It's the one thing that brings my sad heart pleasure.

The good thing about almost all of our destinations are self limiting. We go. We eat. and we leave....and the damage stays within that time span. BUT, when we go to Job Lot (a store that sells all kinds of healthy and not so healthy food--like a grocery store for the devil. It carries all of the choice temptations that that scoundrel knows i cannot resist. And I bring them back t dads, foolishly thinking i will take them home and they will last me for weeks. But as soon as i get to dad's, i dig right in and keep munching until they are gone, leaving me sick and angry.

And it takes me some time to get to the place where I can STOP the free fall. And several hard-lost pounds will have been regained and I must make a mental "re-set" and start, once again, to get a grip on my appetite and limit quantities and snackings. I do not know right now how much damage has been done. I really won't know until early tomorrow AM when I'm back home to my own scale and can assess the depths of the failing. Today however, I will have one more meal out while we make the hour long trip to my MD offfice. But it will likely be at Wendy's where I can get a salad or a burger and just eat half.

I feel badly for the terrible influence I've had on dad this trip. I know he is struggling with his weight and at one point weighed less than i did...but then I lost a bunch of weight---and he gained. And i have not helped him or myself this time. (unless it was by eating the ice cream sandwiches out of his freezer. ) I need to apologize to him and promise that next time will be different.

SO. I hesitate to draw the line in the sand and say that my gorge fest is over...because i know myself and my weakness. I really DO want it to be over. I AM eager to start afresh. and I AM sorry (apologizing to self here) for veering so badly off course.

I can hear Coach Beth, "Forgive yourself and move on."
So that's what I will do my best to do.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JANNY316
    You can begin again! If you realize this, you can do it again. It is hard!!! I read your words and saw myself. You can do this and help your dad too.
    47 days ago
  • EISSA7
    Coach Beth is one wise woman! New day...move on! IF the crap is in the house, most of us find it hard to ignore until it is gone; it truly calls your name! You just really cannot buy it to begin with; I can’t, anyway!
    Remember, you cannot undo yesterday, but you CAN control today! emoticon
    47 days ago
    Good for you for moving on! Some pre-planning for the next mini vacation with your dad might really help. You’ll probably not be able to pre-plan the restaurants you’ll visit, neither what mindset your dad will be in, but you might be able to pre-plan your responses to your now familiar triggers. How can you set yourself up for success next time? Set the stage, then play the act according to the outcome you desire. It helps me to remember that food has no power...it’s just food...a gift to help my body survive...to be enjoyed. I like to really savor my mealtimes and each delicious bite, slowly and mindfully and by engaging all the senses. I think engaging all the senses is key to finding pleasure in anything and everything. See if you can find pleasure in a few other things than food. The breeze against your face on a warm summer evening. The activity and songs of birds. Good music. Lovely art. The good feeling that comes after an exercise session, however limited. A good book. The warmth of company with your dad and with friends. The warmth of prayer and the power of gratitude. I don’t think I’ll ever help others as much as I’ve been helped...and I’m OK with that. I can use the humility here! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    47 days ago
    47 days ago
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