Monday, June 22, 2020
Yesterday I wrote about my massive "slip" and said that it was over and I was fully committed once again. nice words. But not true--my greedy self had not finished its plunder. I started munching down on some cookies....so I threw the rest of the package into the garbage (sorry starving children in Africa --but they had to go) ...but then, there were these dark chocolate bars which normally can take me a week or more to get through. They were a "safe" food for me.
Well, not anymore....when greed takes the wheel even the kitchen chairs are not safe. lol. I guess it is appropriate that I didn't track my food yesterday or most of the day before ---because that means that in my count of log ins and trackings, the tracking will be an accurate reflection of my new start; My fresh start; my recommitment. I would HATE to have to stop coming to spend days with my dad...these mini vacations are the only thing, aside from Heaven, that I look forward to. All that we seem to do is to eat. Every place we go has favorite gustatory attractions. We make pilgrimages and our reward is the food at the end of our trek. It would be SO HARD to separate food from my visit. Eating is the one thing this broken down body of mine can do. It's the one thing that brings my sad heart pleasure.
The good thing about almost all of our destinations are self limiting. We go. We eat. and we leave....and the damage stays within that time span. BUT, when we go to Job Lot (a store that sells all kinds of healthy and not so healthy food--like a grocery store for the devil. It carries all of the choice temptations that that scoundrel knows i cannot resist. And I bring them back t dads, foolishly thinking i will take them home and they will last me for weeks. But as soon as i get to dad's, i dig right in and keep munching until they are gone, leaving me sick and angry.
And it takes me some time to get to the place where I can STOP the free fall. And several hard-lost pounds will have been regained and I must make a mental "re-set" and start, once again, to get a grip on my appetite and limit quantities and snackings. I do not know right now how much damage has been done. I really won't know until early tomorrow AM when I'm back home to my own scale and can assess the depths of the failing. Today however, I will have one more meal out while we make the hour long trip to my MD offfice. But it will likely be at Wendy's where I can get a salad or a burger and just eat half.
I feel badly for the terrible influence I've had on dad this trip. I know he is struggling with his weight and at one point weighed less than i did...but then I lost a bunch of weight---and he gained. And i have not helped him or myself this time. (unless it was by eating the ice cream sandwiches out of his freezer. ) I need to apologize to him and promise that next time will be different.
SO. I hesitate to draw the line in the sand and say that my gorge fest is over...because i know myself and my weakness. I really DO want it to be over. I AM eager to start afresh. and I AM sorry (apologizing to self here) for veering so badly off course.
I can hear Coach Beth, "Forgive yourself and move on."
So that's what I will do my best to do.