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I'm Honestly Happy With Myself

Friday, July 03, 2020

This year has been arguably the most difficult year I've ever lived through. I'm sure many feel the same. I'm normally a chronically optimistic person who always, sometimes annoyingly, finds something to be positive about. For the first time in a long time, if ever, I lost that optimism. I plunged into the other direction and fell into a deep depression that altered my whole reality. I was in a dark and scary place.

I'm a nursing student and I work for a hospital system in Kentucky. I oriented to a new floor in a new hospital right as the pandemic outbreak started in my area. I was tasked with the impossible job of comforting patients who were terrified and anxious when I felt the same. How do you tell someone it'll be okay if you're not sure you believe it yourself? How do you comfort a patient who is unable to have their spouse/partner/child/etc by their side? How do you convince a patient that they're safe when a hospital is often the last place a person feels secure? The media and general public hailed my coworkers and me as heroes but we didn't, and don't, feel deserving of the title. We just hoped that everything we did for our patients was enough.

I was shattered. I became angry and despondent. Each day I felt a welt of rage develop inside me, insidiously growing larger as time went on. I knew I needed to find an outlet for myself before I completely self-destructed. Completely on a whim, I decided to start running. Well, walk/jog intervals because I have the endurance of cantaloupe. I had no idea where this journey was going to take me but I figured it was worth a shot. It couldn't make me feel any worse than I already did.

The first week was ROUGH. I was so sore and nearly quit but the little voice inside my head told me to keep going so I did. It's been a month now and I've seen such a drastic change in my life. I'm completely dumbfounded at how 30 minutes of movement, three times a week has completely turned my world upside down but in a good way. I'm getting stronger and faster. My mood has greatly improved and my persistent optimism is returning. What's even better is I'm starting to be genuinely happy with my body.

My legs are so much stronger than I give them credit for. My waist is slowly but surely getting smaller. My arms are starting to show the tiniest bump, proving that I do actually have bicep muscles. I have more energy and, most importantly, I'm finally starting to see all the ways I've taken my body for granted. I still have a bit of weight to lose and I'm far from looking like a Victoria's Secret model but I'm happy.

When I look in the mirror, I see the woman I'm proud to be. I'm resilient and resourceful. I'm intelligent and kind. I'm exactly where I need to be right now. I am everything that the scale will never show. I am enough. I'm chronically optimistic and I'm unabashedly happy with myself.

For everyone who is struggling right now, I hope you know that you're also enough. You're also everything the scale doesn't show. I believe you're all beautiful, inside and out. You're none of the negative things your mind may try to trick you into believing. You are worthy of all the amazing things life has to offer. You deserve to be happy with yourself. I wish you all well on your journeys to health and wellness.

Have a wonderful day, SparkFriends. :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Those first few months I felt overwhelmed and angry too. I do feel bad for all medical field students. Not the way to learn medicine and compassion. A lot more I could go on about
    Good for you! You found your perfect outlet and medicine. Movement is great for our souls. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    35 days ago
  • RETAT60
    Beautiful attitude and perspective! How wonderful you found yourself again. Be happy. Enjoy life. Stay safe. And, keep running.
    35 days ago
  • no profile photo MLR_00
    Stay safe, stay healthy
    35 days ago
    35 days ago
    You are a beautiful soul, and you ARE a hero. You have needed to be brave in the face of fear, and you did it. I'm so proud of you for overcoming darkness and finding the light within yourself!
    36 days ago
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