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Real Talk About Depression and Struggles While On This Journey

Wednesday, July 08, 2020

I realized in my past two posts that I've only really highlighted my goals and where I'm planning and trying to make progress. I have not let you take a peak at what has prompted these somewhat drastic changes. Yes, school starting and me wanting to be ready for that is part of it. Wanting my kids to not have to go from waking up at 10 AM to waking up at 6 AM or earlier is part of it too. But my main reason for the plans, the changes, the goals and everything I've been doing? I'm severely depressed. Don't worry, I talked to my psychiatrist today (had my appointment moved up way earlier than it was supposed to be but kept original appointment at the end of the month too) and made some medication changes. But I know medication changes can only do so much.

OH, don't get me wrong, they do a LOT for me. I have bipolar, and that is a chemical imbalance and no amount of working out can fix that. No amount of faking it till I make it can change that. People who belittle it or don't understand, no disrespectful comments please, you just don't get it. But I know that a healthy balance of both is what will keep me stable.

I was on a medication that we had to keep labs on to make sure my levels were correct and well, lets just say, I kept telling my doctor that extended release was not going to work on a gastric bypass stomach. And the labs kept going down till he finally, today listened to me. Today was his last chance with me (I really liked him because on most things he worked with me but for some reason he kept forgetting about the stomach...), and he proved himself to me so well! He took me off of everything that was prolonged release (only two) and changed to suitable meds in their place. Now we have to wait for them to start working. I don't have to wean off of one of them because I wasn't even getting enough of it to worry about. The other, we don't know so I'm weaning off of it while I slowly start taking it's replacement.

But the problem is, when you are depressed, you are so tired, you don't want to work out. You don't have the energy. You don't FEEL like it. It's such a burden. You could go on about why you don't WANT to. But you NEED to. I always feel better when I do. Oh, maybe not at the moment. Maybe not even afterwards. But somewhere down the line, it will help. That is why I'm getting up early and doing at least 10 minutes on the treadmill. 10 minutes may not seem like much, but then I go and do the first 10 minutes of my workout video, just the warm up (cause frankly that is all I can do!) and then I stretch and shower. My dog looks at me like I've lost my mind the whole time I'm doing the video, lol.

I have a secret weapon though. It's Audible. There are some fiction books I only allow myself to listen to on the treadmill. And there have been times I've gotten a full 30 minute workout on that treadmill because the book was just so good I had to hear what was next. Let me tell you the narrator is AMAZING! I'm on the 2nd to last book and while I can't wait to see the ending, I don't want it to end because I love these books!! I read the first two and got the next two on Audible and the next one comes out in a few days. I got to get on that treadmill and finish this book so I can buy the next one! Things like that, distractions that sweep you along, really help with working out when you don't want to.

But honestly, these plans I've come up with, have come from a place of desperation. I'm so depressed, and I don't mean your normal, 'oh I feel sad', I mean I'm bipolar and I swing from severely depressed to manic, my meds have managed my manic phases very well, I have not had a severe one in ages (PTL!). But this depression is, well it feels severe to me, but I have had much worse. But I will say that my doctor was worried about getting off the phone with me and I had to promise I had safe people to go to that I can trust and that I would go to them if necessary.

It does not help that I have CPTSD and anxiety. Not one bit.

But, as I saw myself slipping, I knew the pounds would pack on (I eat emotionally). And I swore to myself, not this time. I may or may not be at One-derland at the end of July, but I plan on being pretty darn close. I will not let my bipolar, this depression, win. I refuse. Yes, there are times when it overwhelms and I can barely "pick my head up", but I know I've got people who've 'got my six' and I know that I can have days when I just curl up with my pup and chill for a bit, as long as I don't make it an every day thing. I've been faking it for a while now so that my family does not know how bad off I am, and I know that a big part of that is that I may as well be taking sugar pills as far as the medication goes, it's not doing hardly anything, I'm not digesting enough of it for it to be doing any good. I finally told my DD-soon-to-be-14 and she has been a trooper and more understanding about my not having the energy to do certain things. I had to tell DH about how much of it I've been covering up too, er, well, it slipped, because of some things I mentioned that the doctor brought up.

But, yeah. So that is where the last two posts of coming up with plans came from. From depression, from desperation, from not wanting to fall into that hole of despair. Working out helps. Meds help. For me combining the two is the best mix. Especially if I would walk away from the cookies and pick up something healthy to eat!!

I did find out the first step to finding out how to get into see an internal medicine FNP-C (the MD is full up). After my regular doctor kept forgetting that I'm diabetic so many times I've had enough. She said she could manage it since I'm usually controlled but I've been on the Pandemic Diet of "eat whatever the hoarders leave behind" and it is not doing good things to my blood sugar. The regular doctor is nice, but how do you forget that your patient is diabetic? It should have an alert on their chart? And my Insurance, not her reminds me to get my A1C for my diabetes done...

Sorry, got off on a tangent there.

So, yeah. Depressed. Been really struggling. I'm trying hard though. As hard as I can. Just keep swimming. emoticon


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon emoticon I am so sorry to hear you have been going through this! I know right where you are. Hugs my friend, and prayers too!
    23 days ago
    emoticon Here's to the new stuff working, and you feeling better very soon. You still have all this by the tail, you know. It's pretty awesome, from the outside looking in. I hope that reads in the spirit I meant; I understand about bipolar and depression, and that's why I say it's so awesome how you're doing, because I know it takes colossal strength of character to even breathe with you're in the depths. emoticon emoticon
    26 days ago
    I hope you get feeling better and the new medicine works well for you. emoticon
    30 days ago
    You are doing your best in a difficult situation, and that's all you can do. You have some great coping strategies and those of us who struggle with depression know how hard it all is. Hard doesn't really start to describe it. Best of luck to you in getting the right medication balance and getting better. I'm definitely rooting for you!
    30 days ago
  • EISSA7
    I admire your strength, determination, and honesty.....keep striving and doing what you are able. emoticon
    30 days ago
    I completely understand! I do not struggle with depression and this (4 month) work from home/social distance/virus world, has driven me to prolonged bouts of extreme and unexplained sadness. It is such a drastic change! I hope that your new medication is effective!
    30 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    No tangent, no need to apologize! This is part of your journey. I appreciate knowing. While my depression is nothing like yours, I can relate to the zero energy, zero interest and the emotional eating.

    Your sharing also inspired me. I LOVE your determination and your secret Audible weapon!

    Sending cyber hugs of support and thanks for having the courage to share. You never know how your story can inspire others who struggle in silence...
    30 days ago
  • LIS193
    30 days ago
    Praying they get you regulated properly, that you can regain energy, meet your goals and be successful! I am pulling for you!
    30 days ago
  • RENEE7575
    emoticon I have schizoaffective (depressive type) so I know what you mean when dealing with chronic mental illness. I recently started working out at the beginning of May after a 30 year (yes, YEAR) hiatus and it affects the way my body absorbs my Zyprexa so I had to start taking it differently. I understand the battle.

    Hope they are able to get you stabilized again with the new med regimen.
    30 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/8/2020 8:18:00 PM
    30 days ago
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