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The Frieght Train That is 2020

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

It seems I only do a public blog when I am in heavy distress. My daily blog is my journaling, task list, and goal setting - but it isn't open for everyone to see.

It seems like writing a blog is a good way to share with my SparkFriends things that are happening on my end that are too big to share in a status update or a email message. If I have seemed a little different over the past couple of months, I just have been trying to hold it together and be positive. I have been struggling and working very hard not to let circumstances pull me down into a sad and fear-filled place.

This year has been extremely challenging, and doesn't seem to be slowing down much with the events that are happening these days. I started the year optimistic - I was just starting to feel like things were getting a little bit back to normal in my recovery from losing my brother Doug in 2013 and then my Mom in 2017.
We had a party in Jamacia planned in March/April to celebrate our 20th Anniversary of getting married down there. We had a group of people coming to join in - some who were there at the wedding, and some new people too! We had put in a lot of work in the planning and couldn't wait to show people the island we love so much.

At New Year, my husband and I talked about how we were going to make this year one of happiness and getting all the little projects done around the house that are on our list. YEAR OF FUN - YEAR OF ACTION!!! YAH!!!
On January 6 on his way to work he was in a car accident. The 2011 mint-condition truck that had been originally owned by my brother was totalled. So now we have to think about replacing that vehicle at some point, which we don't know how we would afford to do that.

They thought my DH might have a fractured or cracked spine at first but with several scans and X-rays they were able to determine it was severe soft-tissue damage. He has been in physiotherapy ever since, and has not been able to work at all. Insurance has been covering his wage losses, thank God. I am so grateful that he is still able to walk, and that they believe he will be able to recover from all of the damage the accident caused to his body!!

He was already waiting for a hernia surgery from an injury he had gotten last spring at work, which he had been working through the pain each day. He was trying not to lift more than 50 pounds at work as per the doctor's advice, and at home I told him I would take care of shovelling snow and other heavy things he normally is the one to take care of. The specialist had advised DH that if they called to book the surgery after Jan. 14 he would have to tell them to wait until we got back from Jamaica since travel insurance would not cover us at all. Of course, they had a spot Jan 24 come open but we passed it up.

We left for Jamaica March 12, and had to return on March 22. None of our guests were even able to arrive yet, the party was on April 1. It was a nightmare getting home with the pandemic making everyone have to return home from wherever they might be.

Once we returned, we were feeling lucky to have some time to just enjoy each other and hang out with our sweet pups at home. Everything was closed down, but we would venture out for groceries and then just hang at home and soak up the time together. We were laughing that now we know retirement will be okay and we won't drive each other crazy being around each other all the time, since we were enjoying it so much now. We were keeping safe and isolated, and feeling quite healthy. I was not feeling anxiety, as I figured I just had to wait for my office to tell me when I was returning to work.

At the end of June, my office called to say they were not going to need a receptionist any time in the near future, with the changes they have made to operations because of Covid. My job is gone after being there for eleven years. They negotiated a severance package with me, so I have a couple of months before I won't have any payroll coming in. But I'm a little bit overwhelmed at the prospect of looking for a new job.

The hernia operation happened July 14, and it went very well. DH is not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds for six weeks. A person really doesn't realize how small of an amount ten pounds is until you start paying attention. He is looking forward to being able to return to physiotherapy and do the chores around the house and yard that he normally does.

I am glad to be able to be at home while he recovers from the surgery!! I have felt very blessed to be able to spend this time at home, and have been feeling guilty for enjoying the opportunity not to have to be out in public and going to work right now. The pandemic is causing so much pain and suffering for so many people, but I have kind of found it to be a gift in some ways.

I would not be able to deal with all of the challenges we have faced this year if I was having to deal with the stress of going to work every day as well. I'd have had a nervous breakdown by now...

The spinal X-rays after the car accident showed a part of my DH's lungs. The attending doctor didn't really like what he saw, so he asked if he could take another X-ray as well. They thought he might have pneumonia and gave him some heavy duty antibiotics. His family doctor called the next day and said they would be doing a CT Scan of his lungs because something didn't look right, and that he would get a call to book a time. We never heard from anyone after that until two weeks ago. They booked the appointment with the lung specialist last week. I was feeling pretty relaxed, because they didn't seem to be a hurry to look at the situation.

My sweetheart has Pulmonary Fibrosis. They don't know why, as he is pretty young and has never worked with asbestos or in a mouldy environment. An hour after the specialist appointment, they were already calling to do a "echo" the following day. Yesterday he had an appointment at the hospital to have his oxygen levels tested. They want him to go on oxygen by the end of the month. There are all sorts of other tests they plan to do as well. They say it's bad enough he could be a candidate for a lung transplant. How can this be?????

I've been reading up about it, and it is freaking me out. It's serious stuff. The specialist was amazed, because many of the problems and symptoms people experience DH has been lucky not to have to deal with. She said his body is somehow adapting to the situation. He has always been a quick healer and a very healthy guy so this seems like they must be talking about someone else. But I am in denial. He has been coughing and been more short of breath in the past couple of years, but we just thought he was fighting some of the bronchial stuff that goes around each year.

If he hadn't been in that car accident, it would have been a very long time before we would have discovered he had this condition. God works in mysterious ways! Maybe we have discovered it in enough time that we can keep my sweetie alive and enjoying the world for many years to come...

I'm trying to be positive, but a good cry feels like it is going to burst through and is getting closer all the time. My hubbie and me - we are a team. He is like another arm or leg, a part of me.

I am scared to wonder what the next thing will be that 2020 throws into the path...

Thanks for the opportunity to get it all out!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry for all you are going through right now! :( You seem like a good person, and don't deserve this. You do seem to have a positive attitude, though, which is amazing. I'm rooting for you! Please keep us updated!
    57 days ago
    Roxy...I am feeling rather ashamed of my self, not knowing all the crap you and your husband been thru...I guess I am not on top of reading all the blogs. I am so sorry, and really I only know you thru Sparks but you are strong and have "MOXIE ". You both are going to be okay..I do wish I could help in some way..but you know you can always tell me stuff. Hang in there and hugs.
    59 days ago
    Sending prayers for you all and standing in faith for you. God's wisdom and guidance to lead to victory. You are very brave...
    61 days ago
    Sending you a hug, Roxy! You have been through a lot, and thanks for sharing about it. Sometimes putting our worries on paper is like a big emotional wash cycle: you get tossed around in the process, but come out feeling fresher somehow! I really hope things start to turn around for you soon. emoticon emoticon
    64 days ago
    emoticon Sometimes a good cry is just what the body and spirit need.

    I wish you both well on this journey.

    64 days ago
    I am so sorry you are having such a horrible year. I guess the accident is a blessing in disguise but to lose the vehicle that had so many emotional attachments too is not a blessing. I wish I could give you a hug and cry along with you. It is a relief when we can just let those tears flow, but trying to be strong so often blocks them. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. You have been doing an amazing job of being positive. emoticon
    65 days ago
    You are doing an emoticon job in finding the positives in each negative situation! I wonder if you have a therapist or someone with whom you can let go, and maybe have that big cry. You've really had one thing after another all year.
    I also have lung issues, but not what your husband has. I'm glad you've found this out, and hope things will go as smoothly as possible for you both.
    You're a strong woman, Roxy. You're allowed to cry and take care of yourself too.

    66 days ago
    Must stay present and take no thought for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of the things of itself. What I see in this is pure goodness; a Special Someone who is watching over you and is always with you. And an invitation to trust, completely and fully, no matter what a day brings forth. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future. Breathe in...trust...breathe out...gratitude...repeat in...and out. You can do this...just one day at a time...let those tears flow...and then let them go. You are so loved! emoticon emoticon
    66 days ago
    This has TRULY BEEN THE YEAR FROM HELL for so many of us.

    Sending GOOD THOUGHTS & GOOD WISHES to you & your DH.
    I, too was looking FORWARD to 2020; but sadly...it has gotten steadily WORSE as time passed.

    TRY to stay as POSITIVE as you can......
    I KNOW it isn't easy.
    67 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I do understand. My aunt's 2nd husband had that. My mom has something similar but not that...I can't remember what it was called but it was nicknamed the coal miners lung because it turned to stone.
    You are finding the positives which is very hard yet very good for you! Your husband is totally blessed if he can get a lung transplant.
    Breathe, one step at a time and one day at a time!
    67 days ago
  • EISSA7
    While 2020 has been rough for most of us, yours has been exceedingly challenging....sending support and caring thoughts your way. emoticon
    67 days ago
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    67 days ago
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    68 days ago
  • SPICY23
    emoticon Wishing you and your DH wellness and a better prognosis going forward. It is OK to let these intense feelings out, especially in a safe place like SparkP. We have no choice but to deal with the things that come to us, however hard or stressful. You are doing what you can. Be gentle with yourself.

    Peace and Care
    68 days ago
    I'll be praying with you. I can relate having bilateral scarring in both lungs and an excised kidney. God does have a wonderful way of working all things for our good when we follow ater his plan.
    68 days ago
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