Trauma Changes My Perspective
Friday, September 04, 2020
I've only been on Spark People sporadically and that's okay. It's okay because, for me, it is manageable. I've had so much going on that with the COVID-19 thing, there are times when I get overwhelmed and very upset. The idea is to take the pressure off while still getting the support I need. There are quite a few medical appointments coming up. Perhaps I will get some more answers and find some solutions to my health issues.
Monday, I had some cognitive testing done because after the brain trauma (from the January accident) I'm still having short term memory problems, some processing problems and if I'm tired, understanding problems. The neurologist stressed that I was supposed to try my very best on the testing. What he failed to mention was that parts of the test were timed and several tests in a row were made up of the same general idea but the directions changed. I took the test at the worst time of day for my brain. This was because the neurologist wanted to be able to see what hubby and I have been talking about - referring to my memory shutdowns - in the afternoon.
All I can say is OMG! It was hard, stressful, debilitating and embarrassing. For someone with a fairly high IQ, a former math teacher and a person with a 4.0 in graduate school, I pretty much felt like I'm pretty dumb. Logically, I can say that I'm certainty not stupid but feelings aren't necessarily logical. The frustration and panic that I felt was unbelievable. At the end of the test, I felt all of this pressure inside my head that was unlike anything I've experienced before. I asked about it because it felt like something was really wrong with me. I was assured by the neurologist that this sometimes happens and he reminded me that the test is a difficult test. I guess this was supposed to make me feel better but it didn't.
I have an appointment for a follow up on September 17th. We will go over my test results at that time. I'm definitely taking hubby with me for that. I know that cognitive therapy is very expensive but the way I felt during and after the test, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if I need the therapy. It is super scary for me. Oh, did I mention that the driver who caused the accident is uninsured? This creates a huge financial burden to add to my stress.
Due to the issues created by the accident and the isolation due to COVID-19, I made the decision to start going to counseling. My counselor is a person I trust. I'm pleased that she "gets" me and where I'm coming from. I feel blessed to have her in my corner. Yes, I have to pay out of pocket to see her but I'm worth it.
There are so many other things going on right now too. None of them in hubby and my control. I've decided to try and be thankful for all of the blessings in my life rather than continuously focusing on the negative. We've had deaths in our family, a very sick dog and I could go on and on. The truth of the matter is, I woke up this morning. I can choose to be happy and actually be happy. God looks out for me. In the case of my accident, nobody can explain how one of the cars involved could have possibly missed hitting me. There wasn't space for him to get by me in the road. But...he did! How? No one is able to say. I say divine intervention. I know it to the marrow of my bones. I know I've been spared and my job here on earth isn't finished. I feel blessed every single day. It has affected my whole perspective on life.