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Trauma Changes My Perspective

Friday, September 04, 2020

I've only been on Spark People sporadically and that's okay. It's okay because, for me, it is manageable. I've had so much going on that with the COVID-19 thing, there are times when I get overwhelmed and very upset. The idea is to take the pressure off while still getting the support I need. There are quite a few medical appointments coming up. Perhaps I will get some more answers and find some solutions to my health issues.

Monday, I had some cognitive testing done because after the brain trauma (from the January accident) I'm still having short term memory problems, some processing problems and if I'm tired, understanding problems. The neurologist stressed that I was supposed to try my very best on the testing. What he failed to mention was that parts of the test were timed and several tests in a row were made up of the same general idea but the directions changed. I took the test at the worst time of day for my brain. This was because the neurologist wanted to be able to see what hubby and I have been talking about - referring to my memory shutdowns - in the afternoon.

All I can say is OMG! It was hard, stressful, debilitating and embarrassing. For someone with a fairly high IQ, a former math teacher and a person with a 4.0 in graduate school, I pretty much felt like I'm pretty dumb. Logically, I can say that I'm certainty not stupid but feelings aren't necessarily logical. The frustration and panic that I felt was unbelievable. At the end of the test, I felt all of this pressure inside my head that was unlike anything I've experienced before. I asked about it because it felt like something was really wrong with me. I was assured by the neurologist that this sometimes happens and he reminded me that the test is a difficult test. I guess this was supposed to make me feel better but it didn't.

I have an appointment for a follow up on September 17th. We will go over my test results at that time. I'm definitely taking hubby with me for that. I know that cognitive therapy is very expensive but the way I felt during and after the test, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if I need the therapy. It is super scary for me. Oh, did I mention that the driver who caused the accident is uninsured? This creates a huge financial burden to add to my stress.

Due to the issues created by the accident and the isolation due to COVID-19, I made the decision to start going to counseling. My counselor is a person I trust. I'm pleased that she "gets" me and where I'm coming from. I feel blessed to have her in my corner. Yes, I have to pay out of pocket to see her but I'm worth it.

There are so many other things going on right now too. None of them in hubby and my control. I've decided to try and be thankful for all of the blessings in my life rather than continuously focusing on the negative. We've had deaths in our family, a very sick dog and I could go on and on. The truth of the matter is, I woke up this morning. I can choose to be happy and actually be happy. God looks out for me. In the case of my accident, nobody can explain how one of the cars involved could have possibly missed hitting me. There wasn't space for him to get by me in the road. But...he did! How? No one is able to say. I say divine intervention. I know it to the marrow of my bones. I know I've been spared and my job here on earth isn't finished. I feel blessed every single day. It has affected my whole perspective on life.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GABY1948
    emoticon emoticon
    43 days ago
  • ELIZACG9
    Best to be thankful!
    43 days ago
  • RUTHIEBEAR
    emoticon Oh how hard that test sounds. I am sorry you are stll struggling. I believe a positive attitude helps our healing. Yes, I believe in divine intervention. It has happened to me. I continue to pray for you. emoticon
    43 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    prayers continue and wishing you an easier recovery in the healing journey!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    44 days ago
  • NISSANGIRL
    Hugs gf, been praying for u and will continue to pray sending hugs and positive vibes šŸ™šŸ»šŸ™šŸ»ā¤ļø
    44 days ago
  • SILVAS7
    emoticon emoticon I have been praying for you and Iā€™m thankful that they are testing although I realize it is strenuous for you . I am thankful the Lord kept you here .
    44 days ago
  • GABY1948
    Oh, Cyndi, I am so sorry to read this!!! It's been awhile with all going on all Spring/Summer. Your plate is definitely overloaded! Rest assured you are one of the sparker's at the very top of our prayer list here. You are taking things as you should and don't let them wear you down. That only causes more problems! I will try to check back in more if I can. Right now I am moderating several things on Facebook with the elections coming up. I was drafter by a friend and it takes a LOT of time

    God Bless you and help you!
    Love,
    Gaye
    45 days ago
  • 79PODGIRL
    Oh I am so sorry. This sounds so challenging, and I am glad you're getting more information, hopefully, that will lead to effective treatments. I am so glad to hear your positive outlook and I'm sending positive vibes!
    45 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    ((((HUGS)))) I am continuing with prayers for you and your recuperation. I sympathize w/you how utterly frustrating this must be! And the driver who caused the accident is not insured to boot! **SIGH**

    Many prayers that things improve and I'm glad you checked in. Healing vibes.
    45 days ago
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