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Jokes, August review September goals

Wednesday, September 09, 2020

August goals:
1. lose weight I now weigh 168.6 gain about a pound
2. drink at least 6 cups of water a day need to work on this
3. keep up my exercise streak I am now on day ,1186
4. keep up with my teams - did okay on this
5. really take this healthy journey seriously - need work on this
6. eat 3 freggies , one being a veggie not doing good on this
7. don't eat on couch - doing good on this
8.start reading my bible reading again didn't do this
9. get on my wii at least 4 days a week need to find time for this
10.read one of my books at least 4 time a week at home doing great on this

September t goals:
1. lose weight I now weigh 168.6
2. drink at least 6 cups of water a day
3. keep up my exercise streak I am now on day ,1186
4. keep up with my teams -
5. really take this healthy journey seriously -
6. eat 3 freggies , one being a veggie
7. don't eat on couch -
8.start reading my bible reading again
9. get on my wii at least 4 days a week
10.read one of my books at least 4 time a week at home
jokes:
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That's now escalated into "You take care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."
Rita Rudner

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
Roseanne Barr
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Mitch Hedburg
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart
Funny Getting Old Quotes
06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.
A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".
All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good

middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Two silver-haired women entered a restaurant for lunch.Each caught the other's look of joyful recognition--having been college mates 50 years earlier. They spent the afternoon laughing and reminiscing. then one looked at the other in obvious embarrassment. "I hate to say this," she confessed, "but what is your name?"
The other one thought a moment, then asked ruefully, "How soon do you need to know?

A city officials decided to get all unlicensed dogs off the streets. When a policeman spots a big mutt riding in the front seat with its owner, he signals the driver to pull over.
When the driver asks why he's been stopped, the officer points to the big dog sitting beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asks.
"Oh, no," the man says, "he doesn't need one. I always do the driving."

Skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights."Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day.""I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"
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