"Autumn, the season that teaches us, that change, can be beautiful."
When I was growing up, I spend a lot of time alone. I enjoyed going over to the pastor's house. His daughter and I were friend. She got to do things I was not allowed to do. I also liked that another friend planned fun youth activities. Mom allowed me to go and I had a lot of fun! 2/3 of my 1st year in college, I hung with really fun girls. I would call home talking about the fun I was having. My mom was never happy to hear any of it and made me feel as if we were acting immature. When I moved to Lacrosse, I had a lot of fun in the singles group and with friends in general. Mom was never happy and made me feel bad for enjoying life. A friend talked me into volunteering at a hospital. I volunteered at their day care. I remember the teachers encouraging me to play with the kids. I remember it being hard for me. Mom taught me that adults don't ever play with kids. It was very new to me and very awkward. I then got into babysitting kids and I played with them and they loved it. Playing with kids requires imagination and willing to act silly and have fun which I don't believe my mom had or a lot of women in church had. The other day someone from my home church was shocked that I was friends with the girl who planned all the fun activities when we were in youth group. Her sister who is total opposite had shared somethings about her. This person would not say what her sister said but she was shocked I was friends with her.
I sat and thought about all these fun people that have came in and out of my life and realized they all had great imaginations, they all are not afraid to act silly, and they all know how to turn anything into fun. As I thought about it, I remember mom telling everyone I was shy. I am not sure if I was shy or scared. Scared to be me. I longed to be like my friends and it didn't take much for them to bring me into their fun world. All it took was mom's disapproval to bring me out of it.
My 16 year old nephew looked at me on Saturday and said 'If Grandma had $20 to spend on you, she would go to the clearance rack and buy you 20, $1 tops instead of 1 very nice shirt for $20. I was shocked it came out of his mouth but it was so true! I took it a step farther and said 'and she expected you to like them and wear them.' I also told how she and dad use to come to Lacrosse and go through my closet and house to see if I was using the things she gave me. My brother, my nephew, and my son were speechless and in total shock.
Yesterday my son said to me...:Mom you've never had a choice in your whole live about anything.' He was so right on target. I haven't. I have come along ways since my mom died. When she first died, I wasn't sad, I was very angry! I was angry that she left me a mess. But slowly over these last 8 years, I have started to change. Just like the autumn leaves, change is making me beautiful!
What made me smile yesterday? When I was in Lacrosse, I babysat from a very special family. When I moved here, mom made me cut ties with them. The mother died 10 years later of cancer and I cried so hard. I reconnected on FB which I got after my mom died to the Father. Yesterday he checked up on me to see how I was doing after the accident. That meant the world to me.
The Disney Movie I watched yesterday was "Ollie and Frank". They drew for Walt. It was long but interesting. I thought about how imagination is a huge part of our lives. I wondered why mom wanted me to loss that part of me.
Twenty-twenty has been a very unique year. There is only 99 days left of it. I have found a list of 100 things to do during this quarantine. #39 is clean out your purse.
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