October already or finally?
This year. I don't even know.
Exhausted. Anxiety Ridden. Joyous. Fearful. Overwhelmed. Happiness. Change. A whirlwind of emotions and we still have two months left.
So, part of me of course is grateful for the change of pace-- it's given me the time to tackle many things that needed attention, but with this choking fear, this insurmountable responsibility of work, home, person, parent at all hours of the day.
I started a fuel cycle on 9/27/20 to try to break my stall of over a year-- (let's say, stall, but I had put on some quarantine weight in March and April and it took me some time to even get back to stall weight). I couldn't get the scale below the number from last September. Well, this week I've finally arrived back at that number, FINALLY! and I've done it by eating so much more than before. I think that is an obvious indicator: I was waiting way to long to eat, I have not been fueling my body, but worried about calories and fat and restricting way too much to the point of slowing my metabolism. Plus side, I'm home so I can go to the kitchen and prepare yummy meals every 3 to 4 hours, downside, how am I going to sustain this once life resumes? Oh well, that's to fret over another day.
I have two days remaining in the fuel cycle. Today is Fuel Pull (FP) day which means 10 net carbs, high protein, low fat (no more than 5g) per meal/snack. Lots of leafy greens, berries and lean proteins. I had a mushroom, spinach and egg white frittata for breakfast and a protein coffee. Plenty of water and a "fat burning" vanilla oolong iced tea after. My next meal is at 12:30 p.m. Which is not as planned as I have been in the last week but I feel confident in my ability to develop a FP meal now. Obviously this is a two week long thing and not a permanent way of eating but it shakes up the metabolism and I'm honestly eating way more than I was prior to the FC. Kind of eye opening, especially when I was reviewing my medical chart and my doctor had indicated I had obesity due to over consumption of calories-- which of course, stung at first and now after this overhaul has become kind of funny because it's the opposite. I was restricting way too much and my body was holding on to every.single.thing. Go figure, right? Way more to weight loss than some set in stone calorie counting.
I finally feel like my hormones are getting back to a manageable place. My miscarriage was over 5 years ago and it wrecked me; emotionally and physiologically. I wish I hadn't suffered in silence for so long. I wish I had asked for what I needed, even if I didn't know exactly what that was. October is infant loss and pregnancy month. I hope that if you've ever experienced a loss of this magnitude you'll not feel as alone as I did and ask for support if you need it.
I'm in a decent emotional space. I've been doing the work and challenging negative emotions and just trying to take care of myself, emotionally and physically. Exercise has become less of a chore and more of a treat-- I love my morning walks/jogs and look forward to them; when I don't get them in we take a family walk in the evening-- a much slower pace but still exercise and still outdoors to soak up nature, the sun and memories. I've felt a shift from this need to be a perfectionist to just needing to respect myself more and treat myself with compassion. Not every exercise session has to be pristine; I can do a 4 mile family hike at a slower pace and it actually does count for exercise. Especially with a 37 pound nearly 3 year old on my back pretending I'm a horse, right?!
What are your goals this fall? Are you carving out some time to do a few things you love or that bring you joy? Finding some time, even 15 minutes to honor yourself with something that sparks joy is important. I challenge you to find that one thing and do it 3 days a week!
Here's to reaching goals and not forgetting the importance of the joyful things