in the fire
Sunday, December 27, 2020
There is something going on in my life....which I don't feel at liberty to describe....but I have made some critical (nicer word than "stupid") mistakes lately and they have gotten me into some seriously bad trouble. I feel like taking my laptop and hurling it off the highest cliff i can find. And I would. I really would....if that was the solution to the problem. The thing is that the mistakes I've made have a life of there own and will worsen in their consequences with or without me.
I feel like saying , "GOD WHY????? why am I so stupid sometimes? And why is it always a harmful, critical time? Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you warn me?" "Isn't my life hard enough without this kind of thing going on?"
This situation is really depressing me. It is making me feel trapped and hopeless and i know that that is precisely what the person/people who are formulating my downfall, probably want too see. They have no conscience They are completely evil. If I were to end my life or have some great health challenge --even worse than the ones i have--they would feel no pangs of guilt for continuing to torment me.
I've been consumed for the past few days, with trying to think of a way through this mess...I haven't tracked. And since Thanksgiving, i have been not even monitoring what I eat. I know i''ve gained some weight and this just adds to my difficulty. As we all know, comforting ourselves with food only deepens the hole we are in.
So basically, that's all I have to say. Please, fellow- believers- Please pray for me. Right now I'm in the desert surrounded by burning hot sand and I think of the passage, I believe it is in Isaiah, that says "See, I am doing a new thing....can you not perceive it? I am creating streams in the desert,....clearing the way for the highway of the Lord. No evil person will walk on it, nor liars , nor thieves--etc--" ( I kind of blended two passages together there..but the intent is the same.) There will come a time when the liars and thieves will not be invited. Rather, they will be off on their great downfall that will lead to eternal torment if they had not repented of their ways before then. By this time, it will be too late for any sorrow at having gotten caught.
I know the Bible says "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. I will repay." So I have to leave it in God's hands..It is such a comfort in this world of evil and trouble and suffering...that the Lord will repay those who have harmed others and mocked God. I cannot wish evil on them...but Justice will be wonderful.