Examining the why
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I had just gotten home last night, and 2 little things happened that upset me. I got a bill with inaccurate charges (and I had to call customer "service" and I hate that!), and I couldn't find the tape measure that I had just used that morning.
After I had made the phone call, and tracked down the tape measure, my first thought was about supper. Suddenly I wanted to eat, and I didn't want to be "good", I wanted to eat junk food, and lots of it.
So I made myself stop and think,(Oh, how hard is that!), about WHY I was suddenly in binge mode.
My conversation in my head went something like this:
Why do I want to binge?
(Because I'm angry)
Why am I angry?
(Because of those 2 things that happened)
But those things are minor inconviences, what might be behind the anger?
(Well, with the unfair bill; they are trying to charge me for something I don't owe, trying to take advantage of me. In the case of the tape measure, I hate it how nothing is ever where I put it.)
So why do those things make me so angry?
(Because I do everything I am supposed to do, and still things don't work out right. I have no control over what happens to me. No matter how hard I try, things will never be perfect. If I could just control everything, I would be protected)
So why does this lack of control make me want to binge?
(I eat so that I don't have to think or feel. Eating allows me to block out everything but the now. The taste and comfort of the food. Afterwords I will be relaxed and sedated. )
Somehow, just thinking about why I was upset helped. I've known for a long time that I have control issues and serious perfectionist tendencies. But I never equated my food issues with them, mainly because I viewed my compulsive eating as being about lack of control.