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Examining the why

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I had just gotten home last night, and 2 little things happened that upset me. I got a bill with inaccurate charges (and I had to call customer "service" and I hate that!), and I couldn't find the tape measure that I had just used that morning.

After I had made the phone call, and tracked down the tape measure, my first thought was about supper. Suddenly I wanted to eat, and I didn't want to be "good", I wanted to eat junk food, and lots of it.

So I made myself stop and think,(Oh, how hard is that!), about WHY I was suddenly in binge mode.

My conversation in my head went something like this:

Why do I want to binge?

(Because I'm angry)

Why am I angry?

(Because of those 2 things that happened)

But those things are minor inconviences, what might be behind the anger?

(Well, with the unfair bill; they are trying to charge me for something I don't owe, trying to take advantage of me. In the case of the tape measure, I hate it how nothing is ever where I put it.)

So why do those things make me so angry?

(Because I do everything I am supposed to do, and still things don't work out right. I have no control over what happens to me. No matter how hard I try, things will never be perfect. If I could just control everything, I would be protected)

So why does this lack of control make me want to binge?

(I eat so that I don't have to think or feel. Eating allows me to block out everything but the now. The taste and comfort of the food. Afterwords I will be relaxed and sedated. )

Somehow, just thinking about why I was upset helped. I've known for a long time that I have control issues and serious perfectionist tendencies. But I never equated my food issues with them, mainly because I viewed my compulsive eating as being about lack of control.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LALA91973
    Oh I know how you feel...oh so too familiar. Being a virgo I can relate to the perfectionism you deal with and it can be maddening. And the food is a drug that totally takes over your brain. The less you binge the easier not binging becomes. And the more you deal with emotions healthfully. I have my slip-ups all the time but I know I can't do this alone...I need support or I will fail. Sometimes I feel like a broken record of do-overs but it's okay..I learn more and more.
    4630 days ago
  • AERIN*
    What a great blog! Insightful and honest. Thank you for sharing. I may have to try it out the next time I want to binge.

    Hope today is going better.
    4637 days ago
  • OCEANSOUNDS
    That is an incredible amount of insight, which I just related to in a big way. You are actually the FIRST blog I've read and POW...what a truth to read! I am going to need to look into the perfectionism and the need for control as some of my main triggers to binging. WOW.
    4638 days ago
  • LINNJA
    Ok, I DEFINATELY have to try that mind deal. In the past I would just run in past in my mind and then go eat. I think now, like you, I will make myself sit down and THINK and maybe even write it out before I put anything in my mouth.

    Kudo's to you, Michelle,

    Love,
    Mommy ;)
    4638 days ago
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