Learning on the Journey
Monday, January 21, 2008
For those who need a recap: I joined Spark on 6/1/2006 and lost 83 pounds in the next 7 months, at which point I started to flounder for about 3 months, before I got sucked into the downward spiral of overeating, guilt and shame, which eventually led me to gaining back 73 pounds (all but 10 of my original weight loss).
In many ways, it seems a waste. To do so well for so long, and then destroy all your efforts, until you seemingly have nothing to show for it.
One of the hardest things for me, is to reminds myself that I am not a failure, that my weight loss efforts are not hopeless, but that I simply took a detour on the journey, and have had to double back to recapture lost ground.
There are some things that I learned in 2006, that were not lost. I learned to make exercise a part of my life. For most of 2007, I continued to do my daily 60 minutes (mon-fri) on my treadmill, decreasing to 20 or 30 minutes only as my weight got higher and higher and I started suffering from chronic back pain.
I learned to drink more water. Before I started spark in 2006, I was a diet coke junkie. I drank 3 or 4 a day, and very rarely drank water. I used to say "If it doesn't have carbonation, I don't want it!" Even though I didn't drink nearly as much water in '07 as I should have, I drank a lot more than I had previously.
I changed to all whole grain pastas, rice and bread. I did this originally in 2006 as a desire to get more fiber. I found that whole grain was more filling, and eventually I came to prefer it, so much so that I continued to use only whole grain products during my 2007 binge months. In fact, when I tried spaghetti made with white noodles that my MIL had given us, It tasted so gross and rubbery, that I couldn't even eat it.
I started eating vegetables. Before Spark, I NEVER ate veggies, and very rarely ate fruit. But spark encouraged me to experiment and to try new things. Though I cut down alot on my consumption of fruits and Veggies in 07, I never got back to the level that I did pre-spark.
So looking at all that, can I really call myself a failure? Am I still a binger? Yes. Am I still a compulsive overeater? Yes. Am I still 100+ pounds overweight? Yes.
But looking at the progress I have made, can I really call that failure?
Actually, it reinforces my belief that my next big obstacle to tackle is not the physical. I know what to eat, I know to exercise, I know all the facts. No. What I need to tackle is the psychological. Why I get. Why I binge. What needs are not getting met.