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Day 17: Back on the wagon - sadder, NOT wiser! :)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Okay, y'all. You thought I'd LEARN my lesson, right? Like I haven't had the same lesson thrust on me before - but I'm rather determined to see this thing through to the bitter end. I've met many fine (and VERY fit) folks here, who've struggled through way worse challenges than food-in-mouth-disease and succeeded.

So why can't I?

Probably because, at _some_ level, I still resent this whole gotta-lose-weight thing.

I know it's healthier to be at a lower body weight (BUT, screams my mind: you have NO health problems; COUNTER-SCREAM: YET!!!!!)

I'll look gorgeous when I'm at goal (or even just 20 pounds lighter than I am now). MENTAL REJECTION: Why should I _want_ to look better? I don't really have to care about other people's knee-jerk rudenesses, do I? COUNTER-SCREAM: Umm, why NOT?

I'll _feel_ better about my body when I'm closer to goal. SCREAM: YEAH, RIGHT. Counter-scream: Yes, I will. I know it, because I've been there, done that.

But the only thing that really makes any sense to me at all:
I'll feel more capable in ALL respects of my life if I can get this ONE challenge under control. Mental thought: Oh. Yes. Very true.

Hmm - that one didn't bring up the SCREAMs. :) (And if you read this far ... well, I won't tell you you're weird, you already know it!)

Okay, so I have to focus on the ONLY carrot that seems to be able to motivate me - my capacity to achieve (in all areas of life) is being limited by the mental feedback I'm giving myself due to the weight gain over the past 10 years. Maybe what I need to do is to start being successful in something, anything, and transfer those feelings of pride-in-accomplishment to the weight-loss effort.

I'll think about it.

Oh, my goal: cardio for 60 minutes 5 times a week. DONE today's share and more. Plus the strength training. Feels good to be done it, but I'm still resenting the two hours I just spent in the gym, and the fact that I need to watch what I stuff in my mouth for the foreseeable future. :)

Hmm - minor victory: not only did I lose a millionth of a pound since yesterday, but I found that I can actually jog at 5.0 mph for 10 minutes - without grabbing the treadmill handholds! Yay! It's just ten minutes, I know, but it's a victory. Tomorrow I'll try for 12 - that should be a whole mile!

- Maya
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • QKDEBB
    I forgot, WTG on the jogging!!! I have started doing more jogging too, although at "our" weight, I worry some about my joints (and a bad foot I have). I found a SP reference to a book called Chi Running and devoured it. Just starting to incorporate his techniques have made a big difference for me, give it a look see, if and when you get more time, ha !!
    4742 days ago
  • QKDEBB
    Maya dearest, not only do I love reading your blogs, but I also love to read the responses you get. You've hooked up with some amazing SP Friends. I have absolutely nothing to add but wanted you to know you are not alone, your frustrations are shared by many of us, weird I think you may have called us, but definitely here with you !!!

    emoticon
    4742 days ago
  • MRSHONEYC
    Good job on the blog!
    emoticon

    A very entertaining read! LOL
    You've GOT to do the self-talk! BUT MAKE IT MORE POSITIVE!!!
    4742 days ago
  • ALIAGOGO
    Sounds like you're giving yourself some good brain calisthenics as well! After a few months of this mental exercise, your resolve muscles should be ready for Ms. Universe! You're doing great, and I think it was Oprah that said all challenges are here to teach us something, and if we don't get it the first time, they'll just keep showing up wearing different pants, until we do get it (or something like that)... so what did you learn? That its good to scream at yourself, but you already KNOW you're doing the right thing. So keep it up!
    4743 days ago
  • THEOTHERHALF
    Ok I'm weird but if you are working at a high intensity you shouldn't need to be doing it for 2 hours in order to see results unless you are inputting 7000 calories - how hard are you working when you are working and how many calories are you taking in? As for the 10 mintues at 5 mph - that rocks so I guess no boot today but I'll keep it ready because it sounds like I'm gonna need it again emoticon .
    4743 days ago
  • LIKEAMORPHO
    I think it's really true that success in one aspect of your life transfers and expands to success in other aspects. Whether it's your weight loss that sparks future success, or success in another aspect of your life that sparks your weight loss -- you've got a great idea!

    Stick with it, and revel in the SUCCESS you had today of jogging 5.0 mph for 10 whole minutes!!!
    4743 days ago
  • NUMBER2MARCH07
    Awww ::hugs:: I find it funny I just posted about it being a mental challenge on your yesterday's journal =)

    You do need to add up the little things you're doing right. Don't let the pounds fool you- it doesn't matter if the scale cooperates or not- every day you use healthier habits you are healthier. You don't have to lose 20 lbs to be beautiful- you already are. I'll say one thing for this spark journey- I've learned to actually like myself a lot more, over the course of it I've started dolling up my hair, wearing makeup- stuff I never cared about before.... because somehow I started caring more about myself. It has 100 percent NOTHING to do with anyone else's opinion- I just came to the conclusion I feel better about myself when I take care of myself, when I do things that make me feel good. My final reward I always thought would be something silly- video games (yes I like games so what!? I don't wanna grow up!) , or something else fun... now I'm thinking Teeth whitening and getting my nails done with my new wardrobe =) So not how I use to be, but now I like it. It took me a long time to get to this point, it seems like forever though I guess it's only been 30 years, but I like me- and I deserve to feel great- not later- right now, as I am. So I'm doing my damnedest to make it happen... and it just so happens the perks that have come along with me taking care of myself has been lbs and inches lost.

    ::hugs::

    I hope tomorrow is brighter for you. Smile!
    4743 days ago
  • TIKKAGIRL
    Congrats on the 10 min!! 12 min mile is nothin' to scoff at. Way to Go!!

    If it is any consolation--My scale is still stuck, also.

    The fact that you can run better than before is, IMHO, a huge success to celebrate with some kind of snazzy piece of clothing to run in.


    4743 days ago
  • REVRACE24
    I hear the same voices...LOL...

    I know where you are coming from with the resentment thing. It isn't fair that some are born with better genes, but it's what we were delt, go figure...

    Just remember, food is only fuel...Hang in there!!!
    4743 days ago
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