Day 17: Back on the wagon - sadder, NOT wiser! :)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Okay, y'all. You thought I'd LEARN my lesson, right? Like I haven't had the same lesson thrust on me before - but I'm rather determined to see this thing through to the bitter end. I've met many fine (and VERY fit) folks here, who've struggled through way worse challenges than food-in-mouth-disease and succeeded.
So why can't I?
Probably because, at _some_ level, I still resent this whole gotta-lose-weight thing.
I know it's healthier to be at a lower body weight (BUT, screams my mind: you have NO health problems; COUNTER-SCREAM: YET!!!!!)
I'll look gorgeous when I'm at goal (or even just 20 pounds lighter than I am now). MENTAL REJECTION: Why should I _want_ to look better? I don't really have to care about other people's knee-jerk rudenesses, do I? COUNTER-SCREAM: Umm, why NOT?
I'll _feel_ better about my body when I'm closer to goal. SCREAM: YEAH, RIGHT. Counter-scream: Yes, I will. I know it, because I've been there, done that.
But the only thing that really makes any sense to me at all:
I'll feel more capable in ALL respects of my life if I can get this ONE challenge under control. Mental thought: Oh. Yes. Very true.
Hmm - that one didn't bring up the SCREAMs. :) (And if you read this far ... well, I won't tell you you're weird, you already know it!)
Okay, so I have to focus on the ONLY carrot that seems to be able to motivate me - my capacity to achieve (in all areas of life) is being limited by the mental feedback I'm giving myself due to the weight gain over the past 10 years. Maybe what I need to do is to start being successful in something, anything, and transfer those feelings of pride-in-accomplishment to the weight-loss effort.
I'll think about it.
Oh, my goal: cardio for 60 minutes 5 times a week. DONE today's share and more. Plus the strength training. Feels good to be done it, but I'm still resenting the two hours I just spent in the gym, and the fact that I need to watch what I stuff in my mouth for the foreseeable future. :)
Hmm - minor victory: not only did I lose a millionth of a pound since yesterday, but I found that I can actually jog at 5.0 mph for 10 minutes - without grabbing the treadmill handholds! Yay! It's just ten minutes, I know, but it's a victory. Tomorrow I'll try for 12 - that should be a whole mile!