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How do you overcome shame?

Monday, May 18, 2009

When I started all this a week ago, I wasn't ready to think about my weight. Then my friends and my husband all wanted to start making summer plans, and I realized I needed to know where I stood so I'd know if I could actually participate.

Well, we got a new battery today so our scales would work, and I am over the weight limit, which is 350 pounds. That's scary. I had no idea I weighed anywhere near that much, and I still don't know how much I weigh! I plugged 375 into the loss calculator, and I'm hoping it's not more than that. I'm 5'10, and a size 26, but I haven't found any information that gives a weight equivalent yet.

The maximum I can lose by the end of the summer is 30 pounds, which is great and all, but in the meantime I'm afraid I won't be able to ride rides, go canoeing, or other things we want to do. It seems like 300 pounds is the upper limit for a lot of activities.

I was okay with my body before, even willing to wear a swimsuit in public, but now I feel like I have this giant "fat" sticker on my forehead and everyone's staring at it.
I've struggled with self-esteem in the past, but it hasn't been related to my size. I don't want to go down that rode with my body now. I need to reclaim my confidence and keep being dedicated to losing weight the right way, not crash dieting the way I want to now.

On the good news front, I'm getting stronger. I did 20 "girly" pushups today, even though I can only get halfway to the floor. Last week I could only do 15, and I was barely moving. I was able to keep going all the way to the end of my workout dvd, and took fewer breaks.
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  • no profile photo CD4799277
    Every journey starts with one step. You've taken that step. Not backward, but forward, be proud! You might want to check out RENA1965 spark page. She started at 306 lbs. and look at her today! You might find her story inspirational.
    Good luck. Every one here at Spark People are are behind you. If you're looking for help, this is the place!

    4371 days ago
    Don't be ashamed. Be motivated. Be determined. Be strong. Be brave. Be consistent. You are taking steps in the right direction. You have to look to the future and think of all that can be. You can be healthy. You can be proud. You can be the best you that you can be. Keep going and if you stumble just pick yourself up and keep going. You WILL succeed. Good luck.
    4372 days ago
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