How do you overcome shame?
Monday, May 18, 2009
When I started all this a week ago, I wasn't ready to think about my weight. Then my friends and my husband all wanted to start making summer plans, and I realized I needed to know where I stood so I'd know if I could actually participate.
Well, we got a new battery today so our scales would work, and I am over the weight limit, which is 350 pounds. That's scary. I had no idea I weighed anywhere near that much, and I still don't know how much I weigh! I plugged 375 into the loss calculator, and I'm hoping it's not more than that. I'm 5'10, and a size 26, but I haven't found any information that gives a weight equivalent yet.
The maximum I can lose by the end of the summer is 30 pounds, which is great and all, but in the meantime I'm afraid I won't be able to ride rides, go canoeing, or other things we want to do. It seems like 300 pounds is the upper limit for a lot of activities.
I was okay with my body before, even willing to wear a swimsuit in public, but now I feel like I have this giant "fat" sticker on my forehead and everyone's staring at it.
I've struggled with self-esteem in the past, but it hasn't been related to my size. I don't want to go down that rode with my body now. I need to reclaim my confidence and keep being dedicated to losing weight the right way, not crash dieting the way I want to now.
On the good news front, I'm getting stronger. I did 20 "girly" pushups today, even though I can only get halfway to the floor. Last week I could only do 15, and I was barely moving. I was able to keep going all the way to the end of my workout dvd, and took fewer breaks.