THIS SLIPPERY SLOPE...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I am sliding, sliding, sliding down this slippery slope and I am really scared right now. I don't know what's gotten into me. I made a refocus plan and it started off pretty well. But I am one of those anal perfectionist types. If things don't go quite right it really derails me.
Here are the issues I am facing:
1 - Friend whom I was working out with hasn't gone back to the gym - at all - and I am really discouraged that I lost my workout buddy. I actually have no problem working out by myself - but SHE was the one calling me every morning at 5 am and meeting me at the gym - which FORCED me to get out of bed and leave my house every morning. Now I have no one to do that. I don't hear alarms - except for my phone alarm - but because I know she won't be there I keep letting myself go back to sleep. Miss "No Excuse Nazi" didn't workout yesterday OR today and I am SO DISAPPOINTED in myself. I cannot believe that I was 4.5 months going strong with only one day missed that whole time - and now I have missed 3 out of my last 7 workouts. Okay - being evacuated from my home on one of those days MIGHT excuse me - though 2 months ago I would not have let it be an excuse - I would have found something else to do for cardio. I hate excuses - HATE THEM - and right now I am pretty disgusted with myself for making them.
2 - I gained like 5 pounds last week and haven't really taken them off - this week is just going to be one more week in which I post either no loss or a gain - which is depressing in itself. Very discouraging.
3 - I have been letting myself eat what I want - DESPITE telling myself that I would not (in my refocus plan). McDonald's ice cream cones, fries, dinners with friends who are depressed and are making themselves feel better with food (if that isn't a lame reason to eat out I don't know what is).
I feel like I am falling and there is no end in sight. This is how I USED to be. This is the old Sarah. The Sarah I said I'd NEVER be again. On plan for a few days, off for a few days, making lame excuses to not workout and be able to eat junk. Oh - the latest one? "Hubby wanted me to make a pineapple upside-down cake and so I just HAD TO eat like a third of the cake over a 2 day span!" Where is that super-determined girl who was proud to look in the mirror? Where is that girl who had self-control and would eat one small piece of cake and then totally avoid it until it was gone? Where is that girl who would say, "Let's not go out for gourmet burgers and fries - come over and I'll make you my awesome whole wheat pasta dish and a salad instead!"??
Where is she, darn it? I can still encourage other people! I can still "tell it like it is". I can still try to help others out of their destructive patterns... but what happens when the girl that others look to for encouragement and inspiration is not so inspirational any more?
When will I get out of this funk?
When will I get rid of this lackadaisical attitude - and how?
I NEEEEED to get out of this NOW! I cannot continue sliding down this slippery slope anymore because I KNOW where it leads - back to 303 pounds. I am not that girl anymore. I cannot go back there. I am terrified. I know I always try to sound so cheerful, but since Sunday or so I see a "don't care" attitude in me and not exercising yesterday and today only magnifies my fear... I know that the answer is me. I just need to do it. But I am getting that feeling that I have always gotten around 35 pounds (and how ironic that I am right back at 35 pounds lost right now) - tired of watching every bite I put in my mouth, tired of tracking, tired of the struggle every single day... tired of it all. And I think it would be easier if I knew I was close to the end... but I'm not. I'm barely started. I still have another 110 pounds to lose. It feels like it will take forever - and how will I get there when I am exhausted NOW? Sheesh...