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THIS SLIPPERY SLOPE...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I am sliding, sliding, sliding down this slippery slope and I am really scared right now. I don't know what's gotten into me. I made a refocus plan and it started off pretty well. But I am one of those anal perfectionist types. If things don't go quite right it really derails me.

Here are the issues I am facing:
1 - Friend whom I was working out with hasn't gone back to the gym - at all - and I am really discouraged that I lost my workout buddy. I actually have no problem working out by myself - but SHE was the one calling me every morning at 5 am and meeting me at the gym - which FORCED me to get out of bed and leave my house every morning. Now I have no one to do that. I don't hear alarms - except for my phone alarm - but because I know she won't be there I keep letting myself go back to sleep. Miss "No Excuse Nazi" didn't workout yesterday OR today and I am SO DISAPPOINTED in myself. I cannot believe that I was 4.5 months going strong with only one day missed that whole time - and now I have missed 3 out of my last 7 workouts. Okay - being evacuated from my home on one of those days MIGHT excuse me - though 2 months ago I would not have let it be an excuse - I would have found something else to do for cardio. I hate excuses - HATE THEM - and right now I am pretty disgusted with myself for making them.

2 - I gained like 5 pounds last week and haven't really taken them off - this week is just going to be one more week in which I post either no loss or a gain - which is depressing in itself. Very discouraging.

3 - I have been letting myself eat what I want - DESPITE telling myself that I would not (in my refocus plan). McDonald's ice cream cones, fries, dinners with friends who are depressed and are making themselves feel better with food (if that isn't a lame reason to eat out I don't know what is).

I feel like I am falling and there is no end in sight. This is how I USED to be. This is the old Sarah. The Sarah I said I'd NEVER be again. On plan for a few days, off for a few days, making lame excuses to not workout and be able to eat junk. Oh - the latest one? "Hubby wanted me to make a pineapple upside-down cake and so I just HAD TO eat like a third of the cake over a 2 day span!" Where is that super-determined girl who was proud to look in the mirror? Where is that girl who had self-control and would eat one small piece of cake and then totally avoid it until it was gone? Where is that girl who would say, "Let's not go out for gourmet burgers and fries - come over and I'll make you my awesome whole wheat pasta dish and a salad instead!"??

Where is she, darn it? I can still encourage other people! I can still "tell it like it is". I can still try to help others out of their destructive patterns... but what happens when the girl that others look to for encouragement and inspiration is not so inspirational any more?

When will I get out of this funk?
This slump?
When will I get rid of this lackadaisical attitude - and how?

I NEEEEED to get out of this NOW! I cannot continue sliding down this slippery slope anymore because I KNOW where it leads - back to 303 pounds. I am not that girl anymore. I cannot go back there. I am terrified. I know I always try to sound so cheerful, but since Sunday or so I see a "don't care" attitude in me and not exercising yesterday and today only magnifies my fear... I know that the answer is me. I just need to do it. But I am getting that feeling that I have always gotten around 35 pounds (and how ironic that I am right back at 35 pounds lost right now) - tired of watching every bite I put in my mouth, tired of tracking, tired of the struggle every single day... tired of it all. And I think it would be easier if I knew I was close to the end... but I'm not. I'm barely started. I still have another 110 pounds to lose. It feels like it will take forever - and how will I get there when I am exhausted NOW? Sheesh...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LAVNDRANDY
    You know, dear one, I believe you've hit on a major key--BLOGGING! I think I may try to gear up to take your lead on this thing. If you're "up" then you get the great joy of inspiring others. If you're struggling (and I'm believing with you that this will be rare), then others comment on your blog to encourage you.

    I know this entry is a bit older now, and I believe you are back on your way to a healthier you, but I just wanted to add my two-cents' worth by saying YOU ARE AWESOME, YOU ARE WORTH IT, YOU CAN DO IT, IF GOD BE FOR YOU (AND HE IS) THEN WHO CAN BE AGAINST YOU!!!
    4344 days ago
  • JOYOUS111
    This does take forever..and what I mean by that is we must change the way we live if we don't want to live the we have been...this perfection thing is keeping you in the slump....I think trying to be perfect is what is exhausting....don't be too hard on yourself...but don't quit..you have to find the lifestyle you can live with...and sometimes you kick it up a notch and sometimes you chill a bit....this is just one of those bumps and when you get past it, before you know it you will go beyond the 35...don't let that be your story.
    4348 days ago
  • SKYEFYR
    Sarah, I know how you feel and I think you've got it figured out.

    You've hit a major milestone and for some reason that makes motivation go away for a lot of us. You know you can do this, but something in your subconscious is stopping you. Like there's a voice down there talking to you so quietly that you can't quite hear it, but it's still effecting you. I hit it when I hit a certain weight also. I think a lot of us do.

    Keep reminding yourself you're worth this. You deserve this body you want. Daydream about what it will look like. Take out pictures of yourself when you were thinner as inspiration. You need to find a way to jumpstart the motivation. And I wish I had a easy answer for you but I'm still looking for my motivation too. All I know is it's not under the covers I've been hiding under so much lately.

    Don't worry too much. Together we will figure out what works for each of us and we'll all jumpstart our journeys again.
    4349 days ago
  • NEWEVERYDAY
    There's not much to add to all of the great advice advice you've been given. You've helped and encouraged so many of us. As I read, the posts I felt the love & respect that people have for you.
    I think pity parties are OK, necessary for some of us. But, then get it out of your system & get back to your plan.
    You reminded me to pray, to memorize my surrender statement, & repeat it every time I wanted to quit. Take the good advice that you've given me & so many others. Sometimes the encourager needs encouragement.
    We're here for you.
    emoticon
    4351 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/16/2009 10:33:45 AM
  • no profile photo LIFES*2*SHORT
    I don't have a lot of advice to give... as I have been in your shoes many times... too many. It's a struggle I face every week. I have two good weeks... then a bad one. etc. Girl... if you could do me one favor... BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! I KNOW that you don't want to be a failure... another statistic. Prove your blog wrong. YOU CAN DO IT!!! I'm here for ya!

    Naomi
    4352 days ago
  • JENIFIREHARP
    emoticon looking at how far you have to go. Who cares how much you have to lose? So you get stuck or struggle sometimes... WE ALL DO! You are not the old Sarah who doesn't care what she eats because if you were, you wouldn't have wrote this blog!!! Now stop pity partying and get right back on track. No wallowing, no woe is me speeches... move it girl move it!!!

    emoticon

    emoticon
    4352 days ago
  • CASEYGIRL1982
    Girl look at all these people cheering you on!! We all believe in you and know you can do it!!

    What are you doing getting all negative??? Stop it! Take the advice, pick yourself back and and move it-to lose it girl!!

    Come on Tiger I need you!!

    PS nice melons!! Where'd ya get'em! haha !!!!
    4352 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/15/2009 8:47:19 PM
  • SIMPLE_TAILOR
    You have taken the first step in identifying a lot of your problems in this post. Take a look at each one and see what can be done. Is there another friend that can join you for workouts or can the friend you were working with meet at a different time. Let hubby make the cake, have a piece, but send the rest for him to share at work the next day so it isn't sitting there staring at you.

    Sidetracks are unavoidable, detours are going to happen. The good thing is that they always get back to the main road. You will find your way, I know you will.

    ttyl
    4352 days ago
  • DETTE2007
    What is your surrender statement? Type it down. Write it on your fridge. Put it by your phone. Paste it on teh front door. Type it as a screen save on your computer. Don't let yourself forget what you are doing.

    So 5am is not your thing. It is harder and harder and you are letting it derail you. Forget your buddy. Forget the alarm clock. If 5am is not your thing excercise at a different time of the day that is not so difficult for you. Do you work? Are you an overworked stay at home mom? Find a different time in your scheduule where you can workout even if it is only your back up time. Find something you can do with your kids. My dd3 has been excercising with me whether she be on the back of my bike, doing a dvd with me, lifting her little tiny weights, dancing....she loves to do stuff with me and will actually say "Mommy aren't we going to excercise today?" Enroll your kids to be your motiviational little buddies. Give yourself a "if I don't excercise all day" plan.....Even if it is grabbing the leash and taking the dog for a BRISK BRISK walk around the block 5 times.

    You need to forget the 5am wake up call and dragging yourself out of bed. I know what you are going through. I have tried for years to make myself into one of those 5 am workout people....I am just not that person....I'm a 9am workout person or a 9pm workout person but NOT the 5am person I think I am supposed to be. Nobody cares WHEN you workout just as long as you DO workout.

    YOU CAN DO THIS!
    4352 days ago
  • ONEREALLYBIGDOG
    Sarah,
    in your next blog, post your phone number!

    Me or thousands of your other SP friends will call you all hours of the day to get up and go work out. LOL. That should solve any workout problems, RIGHT?

    Good luck, glad you are staying focused, or getting re-focused.
    Hang in there,
    You can do this.

    Tony
    4352 days ago
  • ZIRCADIA
    You're posting searching for the solution and that means you care. Remind yourself WHY you care -- you're not doing this just cause you wanna be skinny, you're not doing this just because of the lbs to lse, you're doing this because you want to be fit and healthy and THAT is worth sticking with it because you KNOW you see the results of that right away. Go back and read one of your blogs about how good you're feeling now!!! :D You don't have to wait for the 110lbs to be gone to feel better, and THAT is what helps the long journey seem less long. It took me about a year and a half to get to my maintenance point, but I was feeling amazing after like... 50lbs gone and I started running -- that was just unbelieveable to me and it was all downhill from there. Don't think about how long the entire journey takes -- just focus on each day making those healthy choices that will make YOU feel BETTER in your own skin! *HUGS* I also lost my gym buddy a while after getting started, but I just kept going on my own. It was definitely harder without knowing there was someone there waiting on me. This morning my running buddy cancelled on me -- at 6:30AM w/ an email and we run at 7:30. So I'm sitting here in my running clothes typing a comment to you! :D HAHAHAHAHA. I'm gonna go run!!! Around my neighborhood at a slower pace probably, but I'll get out there. Just hang in there. Keep posting here when you're having a hard time. We're here for you!!! You may not have a gym buddy who is going with you in peson but you have a bunch of healthy and fit lifestyle buddies alllllll on your side a type away. Go to the PANIC BUTTTON thread in the SparkMessageboards if need be. Just don't give up!!!! You've come too far and done too well to let it all go now!!!!
    4352 days ago
  • SDOUGLAS8
    My heart is aching for you, because this is exactly where I have spend most of my adult life, in this state of knowing what needed to be done, and knowing how to do it, and even doing it to the extremes sometimes and then WHAM, something happens and you are right back at square one.

    I wish I could tell you how to climb out of it, but I can't, because I haven't mastered it myself yet. All I can tell you is that I am trying to climb out of the same hole and I am giving you my hand. Maybe together we can help each other out of the deep dark hole.

    (((((HUGS))))) & Prayers for you!

    4352 days ago
  • REALLYFATPERSON
    Sarah If you need a 5 am call I will call you I do not sleep. Well in 3-4 intervals then up 3 then back for 2. I have done this for almost 30 years. I can call and make sure you get up. I live too far or I would work out with you. If you want we can do a 5 AM workout via computer. We can pick SP videos to do. We won't be together but we will be on at the same time. I refuse to let the old Sarah take over the new and improved Sarah. Just like I want the reallyfatperson to become a slim, happy, normal person again. If I can help let me know.

    Tina
    4352 days ago
  • CAROL_
    1. How did you become the No-Excuse-Nazi the first time? Think back, remember the feelings, emotions, thought patterns, and things happening in your life and your head that led up to it; read blogs from that time to give you a clue. If you still don't know, write about how you did it.

    2. Ask someone else to be your gym partner. You can call THEM at 5am.
    4352 days ago
  • WAYLAID
    Here's the thing: you're a no-nonsense kind of girl, so there are no real platitudes to be given out. You know what has to be done, you're just being too lazy to do it! You know that whatever you're telling yourself is just an excuse. I've been feeling very much the same way lately...doing as little as I can get away with and cheating 'just a bit here and there' with the food. The thing is, we both know better. We've come far, but there's still SO much left to go. And honestly, it never really ends. When (yes when, not if!) we weigh 130 pounds or whatever the goal is, we'll still have to battle the rest of our lives to keep away the 300 pound monster that we're running away from. There simply is no room to give up or to give in just a little. Your post was an honest account of what you're going through, and I'm glad that you got it off your chest and put it out there. Believe it or not, it's still inspirational to me and I know for a lot of other people as well. But you're worth more than what you're doing for yourself at the moment, and you need to remember to live your life like the 130-pound-you does. No excuses, no regrets. Get back out there and do it...even when you don't feel like it.

    Hugs and love and a whole lot of prayer and understanding going out there for ya.
    4353 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/15/2009 2:52:48 AM
  • SHANSHE
    Heavenly Father,
    My friend Sarah NEEDS you... you have not given her a spirit of fear, but of love and a sound mind. Right now, she is operating in fear. I ask You to open her mind and heart that she can hear YOUR voice and not her own or the voice of the enemy.

    Strengthen her, give her YOUR bravery to face whatever fears she has or questions, etc... lead her up and out and help her to be the determined, sassy, and beautiful woman you have made her to be. Teach her to love herself right now just the way she is faults and all and not wait until she reaches a specific weight to be happy.

    She and I both know that true joy in ALL of life comes from YOU, anyway.

    In Jesus Name,
    Amen

    I love ya Sarah! Lean on Jesus, he cares about ALL things.
    Hugs,
    Shan
    4353 days ago
  • LUCKYDUCK2
    Concentrate on losing just 10 more pounds. Let go of the whole picture of 110 pounds to lose.

    Set up a goal to do right for six days and tell yourself that on the seventh, you can have a treat of your choice and HAVE IT. don't deprive yourself of this.

    Deprivation and perfectionism leads to binging and failure, but you know that. I have done the same thing.

    You know, each day we get up...do our thing...and go to bed. GOD willing we do it again. If you break that 110 down into four years...a little over 25 pounds a year ... VERY DOABLE. You are going to live those years regardless, right? So make small changes you can live with and don't work for that 10 pounds a month. That is so hard to maintain.

    Live life healthier and give yourself time to become the new you that you want to be...for a lifetime.

    FIGHT THIS! You have come so far...learned so much...please, PLEASE don't let the triggers win and take this all away from you again.

    I have loved reading your recent blogs...reading the joy, the sense of accomplishment, the energy, the wow moments when something hit home, the growth , the smaller clothes, the comparisons and all the positive energy and just plain happiness jumping off the page.

    FIND the trigger that is attacking you and FIGHT BACK! I don't want to see you lose all of this.
    4353 days ago
  • SHIRLEYDILLARD
    Yes, you can get out of this funk. Recognize that you aren't always going to be perfect - but refuse to just give up!!!

    I can relate to your situation - I was just there - let's do this together.
    4353 days ago
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