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Where I am at now.

Friday, October 09, 2009

I know many of you have wondered why I haven't kept up with my sparkpage and what I have been up to. So I figured it was time for me to share what I have been doing.

After I lost all the weight back in 2007 some unfortunate things started to surface. My marriage which was never perfect was finally coming to a turning point. My husband's insecurities where coming out about me looking so good and being featured in many magazines. My success mentally and physically for some reason wasen't working for my husband. I remember when I found out about Women's World instead of being happy for me, he was putting me down and saying how I should be thankful to him, because my success was all due to him. He was angry and bitter and yelled at me about it. All i kept thinking to myself, is why? Why on earth is the man I am married to upset about his hot wife being on the cover of a national magazine???

Then it all clicked. I met him when I was just 19. He was much older. I let him change who I was, I let him and his family change my hair, my clothes everything. I was no longer dressing like a cute little 19 year old in tight jeans and midrif baring tops (god knows I pulled it off very well) I was now dressing like an older women in boy cut jeans and sweaters. My body was covered. My blond locks were now dark brown. I no longer stood out, I blended in.

Our wedding was all about him. I got baptised into HIS religion, I got married into HIS church. My family wasen't even allowed to be at my wedding. They had seen how I was being treated. How I was being munipulated and controlled and they wanted to save me. But I wouldnt let them. I thought I was in love. I thought he was someone different. I was young and very naive. On my wedding day it was not my father who walked me down the aisle, it was my husbands father. There were security gaurds at my wedding to block my family from entering in the church. And for some reason this was ok to.

About a month later I became pregnant. I was so happy. After she was born I fell in love with her instantly. But all of a sudden felt very alone and depressed. Where was my family? Oh thats right, I abandoned them for my husband and his family. Luckily, they forgave me and they were soon there for me after.

Being married to him was not easy. I am FAR from perfect and I have acknowledged all of my mistakes. I am pretty much an open book. But for some reason all he wanted to do is control me. I was forced to quit my job, I wasen't allowed to have a car and friends..haha I didn't have those for a long time. He was verbally abusive and we had our share of fights.

Finally Last Halloween October 2008 everything hit the fan. We were at a halloween party with my friends. I am naturally very social and love to be around people. He is an anti-social. So the entire party I spent it drinking and hanging out with my friends. Him, he spent it whinning about how I was not hanging out with him. Later that night on the way home we got into a fight on the car ride home. It was aweful. I don't remember most of it because I had been drinking. He said we almost crashed many times. He was driving not me. When we got home we let the babysitter go and then him and I got into it. I honestly don't even remember what we were fighting about. Somehow the fight became physical and I was pinned to the ground. He was harrassing me yelling horrible hateful things at me and pinning me. For me, that was it! I was done in that second, that moment, it was over. I had had enough of his stuff. I was done taking his abuse. So I fought back. I kicked him in tha balls and bit his arm. I was now freed and able to get up. I was screeming and yelling at him. He was so scared of me because he had never seen me like that. He knew I was done. He ran down the street from me. I went back in the house, called a friend and cooled off. Next thing I know. The police are at my front door. Its 3am and the cops are there. I am still wearing my red devil costume and all. My husnand had called the police on ME. I was fighting back in self defenese and he calls them. I couldnt believe it.

They took me in arrested me. Finger printed me, mugshots, the whole thing. I was in a small cel all to myself. Then luckily thank god, my father came and bailed me out. I was unable to go home. The Ca law states any DV charges and an automatice 5 day restraining order goes into affect. I wasn't able to get my things, see my daughter nothing. My best friend took me in those five days and basically took care of me. I am so thankful to her for that.

He dropped the charges and felt horrible. He begged and pleated for me to forgive him, but I was done. What man would run away from his wife and let her get arrested? Showed me who he really is. I told him I wanted a divorce, I asked him to move out into his families house. They have a huge house. He refused. About a month and a hlf went by adn my co-worker had a room for rent. I luckily had gotten a job so I had a little money. I took her up on the offer to rent her room for myself and my daughter and left. I moved out, took my daughter, my clothes and a few of my daughters things and that was it.

I finally filed for divorce of March of this year. I didnt have the money to do so until then. My family helped me out they even got me a lawyer.

So now I am in the process of a divorce. I rented a room until July and now I have my own place with my brother close to where my parents live. My daughters school is on the same street to. I have even found an amazing guy who I have fallen in love with, after dating a bunch of duds earlier this year. So this is where I am at now. A single mother, in love, very happy, struggleing of course, but I am very happy. And I am so proud of myself to. I never gave up. Never went back to him, never took the easy way out. I am a fighter and I want my daughter to see her mommy is strong and deserves the best and so does she.

So, no I dont spend my entire day in a gym anymore. I maintain a healthy weight of 125. I do workout. But mainly at home because I cannot aford a gym membership. I do eat healthy, but I am not a health freak like i once was. I am happy my daughter is happy and thats all that matters :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for the beautiful comment :)
    2522 days ago
  • DAWNO64
    I know this was years ago, but I'm so proud of you for recognizing the cycle of abuse and stopping it the first time it got physical. You're a self-rescuing princess! I hope you teach your daughter this strength.
    2522 days ago
    Oh, honey.....you will come out ahead. No one deserves that type of abuse, and I know that none of us are perfect, but I'm SO glad you and your family are back together....He sounds HORRIBLE, and now you have found love....lucky, beautiful you. Hugs.
    3514 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8825506
    thank you for being so honest and open
    3535 days ago
    Wow! Just WOW! That is an amazing testimony and you are simply amazing! I'm so proud of you! That you came to see your self-worth and that you deserve so much more!

    Enjoy the life that you have created for yourself and your daughter! You definitely deserve, especially after the crap you've been through!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4172 days ago
    Wow! What a year! I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm glad that your journey has taught you so much, including to love yourself more.

    As for the gym, it's ok. At home you have great options. Amazon is the best place to find used Aerobics DVD's. I love Denise Austin.

    Ebay is another great place to find the popular DVD's that all the sparkers enjoy, such as Zumba (Is that how you say it?) Or Chelean Extreme or P90X or Turbo Jam. I'm sure you can find some good stuff there.

    Your journey is amazing and I look forward to hearing more about your progress.

    By the way, I was the one who sent you notification about your picture being used for other diet ads weeks ago. Saw it on myspace. I wasn't sure if you knew or endorsed it. I just wanted to let you know just in case.
    4191 days ago
    Well, to tell you the truth, I was amazed at your achievements a bunch of months ago, but after reading this blog I truly respect and admire you and I feel sorry for all you have been through. I can relate to what happened to you but in reverse (it was my ex wife who was like that).

    Everything happens with a cause and all you have been through have serve to make you grow as a great woman and a great mother. You are unique and deserve the best in life. You are young, pretty and with a great heart. Never give up and don't let anybody ever tell you again what you have to do. Be yourself and keep loving yourself.

    I wish you health, happiness, tons and tons of love, and joy this Christmas and always. Keep going girl! That man is so lucky to be by your side!! Live, love, and enjoy....
    4195 days ago
  • no profile photo BROOKIEHASBOMBS
    Maybe if you were wearing an angel costume instead?

    I'm just saying...

    P.S. So glad four ewe that yu kicked hymn in tha bals!
    4199 days ago
    Hi! I'm glad you wrote about your experience. I've been there too, but I'm afraid to write about it. I think by saying what happened, you take it's power out of your life and give your own power back to yourself!
    4227 days ago
    Thanks for sharing the reality of your life. I look at your magazine cover and of course I think that you look perfect and must have a perfect life. I'm sorry for all the abuse you suffered and you have a lot of courage and strength. And through it all, you kept your eating under control! Wowsa! Best to you in the future and wishing you every happiness. Hugs, Rhonda
    4232 days ago
  • no profile photo FAITHAKARA84
    Hey, you really should be proud of yourself. Especially when you fought back against your abusive husband.

    I think and hope that you kicked him in the balls real hard, coz from my experience, any man who receives a kick in the balls by a woman, does not want to fight with her any more.
    4245 days ago
    Keep your head up...I know where you're coming from...you are actually at a better place than I am now, but slowly but surely, I will get there too. Thanks for the motivation! emoticon
    4247 days ago
    So happy for you! Keep your head up ;-)
    4251 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4516954
    GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Sound like similar situations my husband and I have had before(thank goodness that's all changed). I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
    4258 days ago
    Good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship and staying stong for you and your daughter. I, too, have gone through a divorce from a verbally abusive man who battled addictions. It's a tough road, but the best decision I have ever made. Best of luck to you!
    4262 days ago
    Sorry all the hell you went through these past few years. I'm glad you found someone amazing and that both you and your child are much happier now! Keep your head held strong!
    4263 days ago
    Good for you, keep strong.
    4263 days ago
    I am so happy for you!!! HUGS!!!!
    4263 days ago
    Aww, my heart goes out to you. Good for you for doing what was right for you and your daughter. You look amazing, and as long as you're maintaining, you go girl! :)
    4263 days ago
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