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Silence....

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

So for those NOT from my BSG reading this, a little background on why I'm posting this. We had a challenge today to spend 1/2 hour in silence, no phones etc, contemplating where we are, where we are going etc....and then blog about it....

First of all.....I am NEVER without some form of electronic device for half an hour if I'm not exercising so this was an incredibly different sensation. I'm also rarely in silence, I happen to love music (was a music major for two years) and it's a constant soundtrack to my life, but dutifully I turned it all off this morning and sat in silence.

And I came to several conclusions/realizations. The first one was probably the hardest. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like I keep screwing up. My BSG is from the SparkTeam that was people who joined at the same time in January. Most of them have made some major progess, gotten somewhere on their goals. I on the other hand feel like I've gotten nowhere (and I really haven't), and most of it is because of setbacks such as a shattered toe, but part of it is my own fault. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not worth it, like I shouldn't be with these people. Like I don't deserve it. I've always hung back a little on SP because I'm afraid I'll make friends on here who will be disappointed by my progress and get upset and stop being my friend.

Which brings me to observation number two. I'm terrified of two things in life, both of which have held me back MAJORLY in this journey. 1) Judgement 2) Failure. I'm absolutely petrified of being judged, and I'm afraid of EVERYONE judging me, people on SP, people I've never seen before and will never see again in my life, people who are friends, acquaintances, coworkers, my boyfriends, parents, siblings, extended family. You name it and I'm terrified. So it's a lot safer to stay hidden. And the only fear that I have that is possibly stronger than that is fear of failure. I've never struggled at anything in most of my life. I've never struggled with schoolwork, never ever, and I've never struggled with any of my jobs. I'm absolutely terrified (sorry for the redundancy) of failing. I've NEVER failed at anything. And I don't want to fail. So I think I'm holding myself back, not trying as hard as I could so I can't really fail.

My third realization was that I am the queen of putting myself down. Like I said yesterday I don't accept anything less than everything from me. And that's not realistic. So I put myself down when I don't get a major jump or whatever. I don't do that to others, I totally completely tell others to go step by step but won't do it myself.

In short I put myself down, hold myself back, and sabotage myself :(
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD1315172
    Wow, I could have written that blog a year ago. I went to a new chiropractor and though he couldn't reverse the damage in my back, he made me feel better and be able to start working toward my goals of getting healthy. The biggest thing he told me to start doing was look in my mirror and tell myself how amazing I was and stop the negative talk. Well it has taken me some time, but I am getting better at it. It really has helped changed my focus to the positive. You are amazing and you can do this!
    4299 days ago
  • WILDRICE99
    So true. The best thing about SP is that most people will not judge you, they'll be here to cheer you on and challenge you at the same time. That's one thing that I love about our BSG. Give yourself time each day to say something positive that happened to you or that you did. Add it to your goals and keep track of it. That may help you realize that even though you may not be losing the weight, you are making progress towards a healthier lifestyle.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4299 days ago
  • KELLYSESAME
    I believe in you. I know how you feel about others from our BSG having such success and finding failure. I keep coming back because they are so supportive. This group is awesome. I know they are going to be here for me and you every step of the way because they want to see us succeed. Keep at it. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.
    4299 days ago
  • NH_MOM
    Sounds like you are your own worst enemy. lol Seriously though, I've been on SP for 14 months. I can't think of one time someone judged me. On the contrary, I've had so many people encourage me and "praise" my accomplishments no matter how small. If not for SP I'd probably be packing the pounds back on right now ~ like the last time I lost a bunch of weight. There are so many groups out there too. Check them out see which ones feel right for you. Finally, it sounds like you have realized some important things. Try to set small goals - so you don't fail. Don't worry what other people think of you(being judged) - I've tried to please so many people in life and I worried about what they thought. There are times it is necessary and may make some difference but in the end it didn't seem to make a bit of difference. I didn't read anything but this blog ~ the title caught my attention ~ so I have no idea who you are, what you look like or how much weight you are trying to lose. But I'm gonna say this anyway because that's what we do on SP we support each other - so you Go Girl! Keep on keepin' on because you CAN do it!
    4299 days ago
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