Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So for those NOT from my BSG reading this, a little background on why I'm posting this. We had a challenge today to spend 1/2 hour in silence, no phones etc, contemplating where we are, where we are going etc....and then blog about it....
First of all.....I am NEVER without some form of electronic device for half an hour if I'm not exercising so this was an incredibly different sensation. I'm also rarely in silence, I happen to love music (was a music major for two years) and it's a constant soundtrack to my life, but dutifully I turned it all off this morning and sat in silence.
And I came to several conclusions/realizations. The first one was probably the hardest. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like I keep screwing up. My BSG is from the SparkTeam that was people who joined at the same time in January. Most of them have made some major progess, gotten somewhere on their goals. I on the other hand feel like I've gotten nowhere (and I really haven't), and most of it is because of setbacks such as a shattered toe, but part of it is my own fault. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not worth it, like I shouldn't be with these people. Like I don't deserve it. I've always hung back a little on SP because I'm afraid I'll make friends on here who will be disappointed by my progress and get upset and stop being my friend.
Which brings me to observation number two. I'm terrified of two things in life, both of which have held me back MAJORLY in this journey. 1) Judgement 2) Failure. I'm absolutely petrified of being judged, and I'm afraid of EVERYONE judging me, people on SP, people I've never seen before and will never see again in my life, people who are friends, acquaintances, coworkers, my boyfriends, parents, siblings, extended family. You name it and I'm terrified. So it's a lot safer to stay hidden. And the only fear that I have that is possibly stronger than that is fear of failure. I've never struggled at anything in most of my life. I've never struggled with schoolwork, never ever, and I've never struggled with any of my jobs. I'm absolutely terrified (sorry for the redundancy) of failing. I've NEVER failed at anything. And I don't want to fail. So I think I'm holding myself back, not trying as hard as I could so I can't really fail.
My third realization was that I am the queen of putting myself down. Like I said yesterday I don't accept anything less than everything from me. And that's not realistic. So I put myself down when I don't get a major jump or whatever. I don't do that to others, I totally completely tell others to go step by step but won't do it myself.
In short I put myself down, hold myself back, and sabotage myself :(