love you for you
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Here I am. Again. It seems like every other year at least I start a plan to go for weight loss in some form or another. Most of the times that I set my mind out, I succeed. At least by losing 20 pounds at a time. The only problem becomes that I fall off the wagon at some point or another, and end up gaining everything back. Last time I fell off was due to illness, the time before was injury, and the time before that is because my husband broke my main work out machine.
I couldn't seem to catch a break.
But then this time, I started to think. What if I was wrong? What if I went into it for all the wrong reasons? What if I was actually doing myself a favor?
Each time I went onto program, I did for only one reason. In order so I could feel "beautiful" again. My husband has always been diligent in telling me that he feels that I am, no matter what my weight. But for me, personally, it's something I haven't been able to equate with myself until I was considerably less heavy. This has sparked so much self loathing on the off and on again weight wagon, it is hard to describe. But in the end, that reason just wasn't good enough. Somedays it becomes less important. Others you feel like giving up. When you are faced with a failure, it feels like you will never be allowed to love you for you.
That's the problem. It was only a temporary fix for motivation. There is something that needs to happen that is going to be long lasting. Part of that is loving yourself, as is, without any modifications at all. Working on seeing things in the mirror, that you feel confident about that might never change. Then when things do change, you know that no matter what.. you've always been worthy of that love.
I started to get back on plan, because I want to be the best I can be physically. I am passed the point that I want to be stick thin to maintain some media image of beauty. That never lasts, at least for me. I want to wake up in the morning and feel motivated again. I want to be able to eat healthy. I want to teach my kids good behaviors. I'd love to be able to get into a pair of shorts in the summer time and not feel self conscious about my legs. I want to be able to run a few miles and not feel winded.
What I need for this to stick, is lifestyle changes.