From Back Pain to Freedom
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I have been depressed for so long, but I think I've come out of it. It was my back that did me in. One day I was walking down the hall, and the next step, I couldn't move. I'd done nothing; no twisting, turning, lifting, stumbling, or falling. I hadn't even sneezed. But I certainly couldn't move, and the pain was terrible! I barely made it half way back down the hall to my desk and fell into my chair, breathing hard and sweating, when a co-worker asked if he should call a supervisor for help. Within a few minutes, I was in an ambulance and on the way to the hospital.
The doctor ordered an MRI of my back, but the question was whether or not I would fit in the Xray machine. Barely, with my arms up over my head. How humiliating, and uncomfortable. Fortunately, though, there was no herniated disk in my back; merely a severe back strain. "What do you think caused it?" I asked the ER doctor. The answer: you guessed it. "Your weight." As I think back two weeks, now, I realize how casually I dismissed his statement, as if I'd heard it all before. Well, I had. Over and over and over again, my entire life.
Truth is, my weight is the culprit. I have 200 p0unds to lose and thousands of excuses. Yes, it's hard; I have the genes. I'm over 50. I've been obese my entire life. It's always been a struggle. I've always been fat. And I've pretty much always been miserable. I've allowed my weight to continue to rule my life and steal health, joy, fun, and experiences from me and those close to me. If I don't stop making excuses now and start making some positive changes, it will surely steal my life as well.
Here's the thing. I am a woman of faith. I trust God for everything in my life, but I have been unable or unwilling to trust him with these issues that cause me to overeat. I guess it's easier to say I don't have time or energy, etc., etc., etc., to make my choices, prepare my foods, shop, whatever, than to get on my face in prayer and seek God for His strength and counsel. He will help me if I allow Him to do so. I have chosen this food and this fat over God, over my family, over my living my life to the fullest, and then blamed it all back on my weight. It's a catch 22, really. It's a merry-go-round. Time to get off, once and for all. (I know; you've heard it all before.)
So, back to why I'm coming out of the depression. The pain has subsided, and I feel such relief. I also feel deep gratitude for God's healing of my back, and I realize there was a purpose in it. That short, painful debilitation made me think about how negative I have been all my life, and I was ashamed. Holding on to the weight was my protection from whatever and whomever I thought might hurt me, abandon me, use me--except that it turned on me and made me the victim after all. God healed my back pain and showed me how free I can be if I will rely on Him. He wants to heal all the other pain in my life as well; the pain I have bottled up and shoved down my throat and worn on my body almost all of my life. He can do it all by Himself, but He wants a partner.
No more excuses. I'm going to have to do a lot of work. God helps those who help themselves.