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Ah Monday. . .

Monday, February 28, 2011

It is the start of a new week, tends to be chaotic and then what happens. . . you over sleep and end up adding to the chaos you try to avoid by setting alarms and planning ahead. None the less my day started a bit late, but oh the feeling of the glorious sunshine shining down on my head and face was/is WONDERFUL!!! I am so looking forward to warmer weather, less layers, more exposed skin to soak up the sun rays, not to build a deep dark tan but to rebuild my vitamin D reserves that run oh so low during these long Minnesota winters. Sure I could move, but nah, Minnesota is home. The change of seasons is awesome and amazing.

As for the weekend - gotta love the fact that I got to be home alone on Saturday for like 6 hours. To some this isnt much or is a regular thing but as a single mom with a really tight budget, work and school it doesnt happen often. However this Saturday it did and I made the best of it. I did the naked Hamster dance in my livingroom, danced in my livingroom when the song on the ipod struck my fancy, did some core work all cruising facebook and ultimately watching a few episodes of season 3 of "Grey's Anatomy". How wonderful!!! I got the kitchen and bathroom cleaned, did some vaccuming and just aaaaaaaahhhhhh, enjoyed being A L O N E!!!!

Yesterday my son and I carried our laundry over to my mom/sister's place to do it. We also enjoyed a nice visit with mom and a wonderful meatloaf dinner. Not much in the way of exercise but I did do some more work on my paper, mostly finished other than some fine tuning. Also had a wonderful chat/argument with Jeff regarding things.

Had a relapse, gave it to better thoughts and slept with him, a week ago yesterday. This was not a wise thing because it threw my brain into all kinds of crazy thoughts and feelings of that are very conflicting. He made a statement last night that is semi true - I dont want to look bad so I wont say I am done - I need to do this but dont want to. I know he is under a lot of stress with financial issues at the house, caring for my dog, plus some of my personal possessions are still there but delaying the inevitable isnt healthy either. To save face I keep saying I love him and miss him and flirting sexually with him when in all honesty I do love him but I dont have the strong sexual feelings or strong need for him any more.

In this I have decided that:

I will come clean about feelings
Tell him that I love him as a friend but am no longer in love
Value his opinion and support

I give him back to his wife and hopefully he will find the value in her he finds in me and help her find value in herself to continue living vs wallowing in self pity/depression and under managed health issues.

Until I come clean I dont see the stress I feel, but deny, reducing, I dont see my weight dropping as I want it to because the the emotional stress I am keeping myself under by not fessing up. I have to stop pretending to feel something I dont anymore, once I do I think, hell I know it will be easier on me emotionally and mentally. Dont like to inflict pain but know he knows its coming.

That said, onward and upward with this day!!!
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