Finding the silver lining in rain clouds..
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I've been avoiding spark these past through days of my illness, not because I've been behaving badly. But because I am disappointed in myself and I don't want you to be disappointed in me too. :(
At the start of March, with 5 pounds to lose..... I thought, there is no way I CAN'T do that. I've had 5 pound losses in a week before by working hard. So I set to work harder. Then as it went on, with 1 pound loss, .08 loss. No loss, then a 1 pound loss last week. It doesn't look like I am going to make it.
My weigh in Saturday was 202. Since then I've been up to 203, then back down to 201.7 (yesterday). Now I am back up to 203. I really want to cry. I see so many people hitting onder-land, and people that I've told I'd meet there or I am takin' with me. But I am here. Stuck. Unable to move or budge, no matter how hard I am working out. Or how often I eat/don't eat. So what else can I do?
I stay the course. I get my body stronger. I have to believe that I won't be stuck here forever in the mud, and that I am going to get through it if I keep pushing. I do know that I am not going to stop trying, and I am NOT going back.
There is nothing for me by letting myself be pulled back. Just all the things I didn't want and worked hard to fight free of. That's what I have to look at when I am trying so hard to move with little progress, and my sunny day has started to turn to rain. This list is the silver lining in that rainstorm.
Then: I used to be a size 24.
Now: I fit in size 14 regular, and one pair of size 12's from Torrid.
Then: I used to wake up with my hips and back sore, because my weight was putting a strain on my body.
Now: I can sleep in whatever position I want, and it doesn't bother me.
Then: I couldn't eat or drink anything after 5pm, otherwise I'd be up all night with heartburn
Now: I can drink a big thing of water before bed and lay down right away without worrying about reflux
Then: I couldn't run down my block
Now: I can run at least 4.5 miles at a time
Then: XXL shirts were tight
Now: I wear L and some Mediums
Then: When on vacation, there was a big list of exercusions I couldn't do because of weight
Now: I am just about at 30 pounds below the lowest "weight limit" on things, and almost 50 pounds from the higher end.
Then: My thumb ring was super tight on me
Now. I wear it often on my middle finger.
Then: My blood pressure before weight loss was 130/90.
Now: it's 117/70
Then: Size 10 shoe started to be tight on me
Now: I can wear size 9
Then: The only fitness thing related had to be in my house where no one else could see
Now: I am taking intro to pole dancing this Saturday, by myself!!
These are some pretty amazing things, that I need to remember. Instead of only seeing all the things ahead that I want to do. Or just seeing everything about my body of how it looks now (not how I want it to look), and what I need to change pronto. There are so many things I want and need, that I see in the journey ahead of me and I am trying so hard just to get there. By running, walking or crawling. And right now, I am crawling. I am so disappointed in myself that its so hard right now, and that it's taken me this long. When I feel like it shouldn't have. But none of that matters, you know? Life doesn't turn out the way that we think it will, and when that happens.. you've got to just roll with it. So I've got to keep crawling until I can walk again, and walk until I've got the strenght to run. And I WILL run again.