Friday, April 08, 2011
These past few days have been beyond stressful, more so than anytime in the past year. It was also a situation where I felt like things were completely out of my control, and there was no "this is the fix" to the situation button. Which when that happens, generally means what for some of us?
Emotional eating. I has it.
It has been a real struggle for me not to, but some days are much easier than others. Especially times when I can't step outside for a few minutes to take a deep breath and focus. So these past few days have been a battle for me. Especially when I am faced with something that sets off that knee jerk reaction, and I have really bad things in the house.
Like the other day. I had bought the kids sugar cookies from target (yum!) for easter. I wasn't tempted when I bought them in the least. But fast forward to working out for over an hour in the gym, and coming home to not only the biggest mess known to man. But having to clean up that disgusting mess , and almost feeling like losing my dinner over it.
So when I am finished cleaning, what happens? I see those damn sugar cookies. And for a minute, all I want to do is devour them. NOT because I am hungry. NOT because I have a craving for them. But because I know they are high in calories, and I am upset. So in a way, it feels like this is double punishment. What kind of sense does that make?
Then like any craving, it's over with in a minute. The impluse is gone. It's gotten much eaiser to say no, but that doesn't mean that it's easy. I know that there are things out of my control, but what IS in control is my eating and what I do about it. Only I have the power to say yes or no, or decide if I am going to put it in my mouth.
Would it make me feel better if I ate it than gained a pound? No! I've worked so hard to get here, and I am not going to self sabotage. If I want a cookie because I am craving it, it's one thing and I will totally adjust for it so I can eat it. If I want it to punish myself or to try to make myself feel better, then regardless of how many calories/points I have left.. it's NOT going in my mouth!
As an affirmation of this, I went digging in my closet. I carry around all the dresses I bought in small sizes forever.. and I've had this one a long time. It's a 13/14 from express way before the whole vanity sizing thing.. and its gorgeous. Light purple suede like my background, with dark purple lace the color of this text. The last time I wore it was when I was with my first love some 10 odd years ago. Even when I moved out to california, I wasn't able to wear it.
I did try it on when I hit 225.. but it wouldn't even slide over my hips. I was a bit hesistant, but figured hey. Now or never. I tried it on and it fit. IT FIT! It was tight, and I would not wear it outside.. but it fit and it zippered all the way up. I could not believe it.. No cookie. No Cake. No whatever is worth what THIS dress is worth. Nothing on earth that I could eat could make me feel as good as I did fitting into that dress.
And nothing will feel better when I fit well enough into it to wear it out.
I'll take pictures soon, but don't know if I can post then until I get closer to goal.... :)