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Monday, May 23, 2011

Putting back in what's good.

That's my choice. My move. I am the only one who can make it.

The other day I was bending over to pick something up for my baby and the thought came to mind, "I hate this body."

To which I replied to myself, "So do something about it. No one can do it but you."

Wow. Poignant, right? And so simple. I know it sounds basic, but I really challenged myself in that thinking. There is NO ONE who can do this for me. So if it is ever going to get done - I WILL HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!

It's been a rough couple of months. I had ups and downs while using green smoothies as a major part of my diet. I think they are awesome. I love them. But I was doing too many 3 day cleanses and I felt as though I was never eating dinner with my family because it was hard enough to have to COOK them awesome meals. I just could not sit by and watch them eat it while all I had was a smoothie. So I would make and serve their dinner and then walk away. It made me sad.

And then I did the 3 day juice cleanse. Now, while I did lose a few more pounds on that, I quickly gained them back. I think my body was just burnt out.

Moderation and patience. They are key. In any endeavor. But even more so in losing weight. That is just my humble opinion, but it is fact. haha!

So, like a boomerang, I keep coming back. Back again. Because, even though I have been at this a long time, I know the importance of it deep down, or I wouldn't keep holding on so tightly.

I believe I have a problem with Candida. For those of you who don't know what that is - in it's simplest explanation it is when yeast takes over your body in ways that it shouldn't. Yeast is a normal part of the bacteria in everyone's system. Each person has SOME. You will never totally rid yourself of yeast. The trouble comes when the "yeastie beasties" rear their ugly head and try to take over. It can be caused by many things, but one thing is for sure - it is FED BY SUGAR. All forms of sugar. Including fruit.
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But most of the terrible stuff feeding the candida - junk food (of course), all starches such as bread, potatoes, pasta, etc, and dairy (booohoohooooooooo).

I have been coached and encouraged by a friend who has been doing a candida diet for quite a while now. Her results and her husband's have been amazing. Their bodies are healing from the inside out and they have both lost a good amount of weight as well. It's a process, but I am going to start taking out the foods feeding this candida infection and get this body healed!

I will be bringing green smoothies back in as well - soon I hope! I know they are good for me and I feel great when I am drinking them. But, though I won't be using green smoothies right now, I will still be here as leader of my Green Smoothie Lovers team. I just can't wait until I can join everyone in drinking them again!

The other day I was watching Dr. Oz. If you watch his show, you may have seen Colleen, a woman who started out at almost 700 pounds. On this particular show, Dr. Oz took Colleen to an autopsy room to see what fat can do to a person's organs. He told her that this person was overweight like her. Later he revealed that this person was actually only 100 pounds overweight and so what she was seeing would be multiplied by 5 in her own body. Yikes! But when he said that person died from effects of their obesity (fatty organs, heart and lungs working too hard, etc) and ultimately from heart failure... wow. It surely hit home for me since I am more than 100 pounds overweight. I decided to keep that episode on my DVR and watch it whenever I start to think maybe I don't care anymore or it's too hard.

I mean... I am having a hard time getting those images out of my head. The hardened valves of the heart, the liver FILLED with fat to the point of cirrhosis (yes - you can get it from being fat and not just from drinking too much alcohol!), the intestines with gobs of fat hanging off them, weighing them down. I had my hubby come watch it with me the second time. He HATES anything to do with internal organs, but I made him watch anyway. lol. He is only about 15 pounds overweight and he runs and isn't a big snacker so I wasn't really concerned about it for him. It was accountability. I wanted him to see that that's what my insides look like right now so that he will never let me give up on this journey.

We talked about it later. When you think about someone being fat the first thing that comes to mind is the stuff hanging or bulging on the inside. And even recently I have begun to take into account all the fat that fills in between the organs. But for some reason, even though I am sure I know it somewhere in the back of my brain, I never really thought about the fat FILLING IN your internal organs. My liver and intestines and heart probably have way too much fat filling them already. Do I really want to test the waters and gain a few more pounds?

My body is tired. Worn out. Kaput.
I am not healthy.
I hate struggling to bend over and pick things up.
I hate feeling lazy because it takes to much effort to get up and get stuff done.
I hate huffing and puffing when I make myself get up and do all that stuff anyway.
I hate fearing running into old friends.
I hate this body.
I hate that my children are slowly following in these footsteps.

But I have a goal. To lose weight. And, since goals without definition are just statements, I will set a weight and a date.

Two weeks from now. June 6th. 6 pounds lost.

Aside from all this talk of fatty internal organs and all that jazz... there is still one more reason I want to lose this weight. It's been weighing on me (pardon the silly pun) for a while now. When I found out I was pregnant with Carson I was determined that EVERYTHING was going to be different. Last chance to "get it right". Last chance to have a healthy pregnancy by eating right and exercising (only accomplished that partway - didn't always eat right, never exercised and gained too much weight). Then I was going to get it right with the labor... ummm, long story short, 32 hours of labor and ended in c-section. Didn't get that right either. Then I was going to lose it all fast after having him and then continue losing to goal (here I am a year later at the same weight). Then I was going to give it my all to nurse him until a year instead of only 4 months like my other two (yay! 13 months and still going!). I was also going to get back into running and do another 5k last summer (never happened). I was going to take Carson out several times a week running with my awesome BOB Revolution jogging stroller (also never happened... well, a few times).

I was also DETERMINED that Carson would never know a fat mom. There is still time. He is only 13 months old and I still have time to get healthy. I DO NOT want him to know me as fat mom. I don't know why it bothers me so badly, but it does. I see the way Seth and Skye feel like they have to lie to protect my feelings if the topic comes up. I see that they are uncomfortable with their bodies because they have a mom who is never comfortable in her own skin.

I want SO MUCH MORE for Carson. Thin and healthy and active mom who is confident and isn't mentally focused on her fatness and what people think of her - but is instead just focused on her relationship with him. And, although I couldn't give that to Seth and Skyler, seeing their mom in new way would be a positive thing for my relationship with them as well.

I have to make this work. There are no options left for me...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am right there with you! My son is 16 weeks old and I don't want him to have a fat mom either! I am back below pre-pregnancy weight but want to lost about 100 pounds to feel normal again.


    3719 days ago
    Oh honey. The end of your blog was so poignant. I'm proud of you for not giving up. Yes, it's hard and life gets in the way so much but you keep coming back. You will win this battle, I know you will. Just don't give up.
    3719 days ago
  • no profile photo BAYSIDE07
    3720 days ago
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