This past week I've had drag myself up by the boot straps, gritting my teeth the entire way. I've even had to catch myself once or twice trying to dip a toe or two in that ol' self pity river that some of us tend to swim in on occasion.
Then something occured to me the other day while I was going through another grueling hour with Jillian. She was giving me the same spiel she does every time I watch her.. "Do not phone this in. You gotta fight for it". And man, I was trying not as hard as I could. But late in the day, my energy was wanning. My level of protein probably wasn't great, and I caught myself flagging major.
The thoughts of being unable to finish that day came into my head. And in the second it took for the revelation to occur, I knew I was going to finish and finish it strong.
See. The reveltion was, that I wasn't doing this for me. I was doing this for her.
The person that I am going to be.
I was not putting myself through this so I could get back to the 130 pound me. Nope. That was someone who didn't know how to get fit, had an eating disorder, and smoked like a chimney. Thoughts of running would have turned into an all out ashma attack. That 130 me was just as if not more unhealthy than I was at my heaviest.
I am doing this for 145(ish) pound me.
The one who is fit. The one who can run for miles and miles in the blazing sun, smiling under a sheen of sweat as if it was nothing. The one who when she gets hit with obstacles, conquers them then thinks.. 'Is that all you've got it? Bring it!'
That girl. That is the one that I do this for. She is the reason that I push myself to work out when the rest of my body complains about how tired I am. She is the reason that when my muscles tremble, I take a long breath out and keep going. And SHE is the reason why I push that nagging voice in my head away when it says "you can't do this.". She tells me to..
I know if she were here right now, she would never give up on me. She would never give up just because things got hard. Life is hard. We choose our hard, and her choice would be to keep going. How can *I* give up on that girl who wouldn't stop fighting for me? How can I turn my back on the person that I've always wanted to be and is finally in reach?
I can't let her down. It is so close now that I can almost see her. 13.1 miles down this long road with her hand out, waiting for me to tag her in to take over. Bouncing from side to side on the balls of her feet in her new running shoes, like a puppy that is waiting for a ball to be thrown.
All I've got to do to get to her is keep pushing like she'd push for me. Because if I don't do the work, that means that she will never exist. That means when all I want to do is read in bed, I get up and run a few miles first. When I feel like all I can't possibly go another step because my legs are jelly and my breath is coming in shallow gasps, I ignore it and keep pushing on until I do finish. Even if it takes me all day to walk those few feet to the finish line.