JUNK FOOD IS FREEDOM!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
... or so my warped brain tends to think. I have been reading all my old blogs from 2009, back when I had lost 45 pounds and was on my way toward my goal weight, before I got pregnant...
I was talking to my mom today, trying to figure out why I let myself sabotage my efforts each time I got around 35 pounds lost. On my own, Weight Watchers, LA Weight Loss, South Beach Diet and more. Each time I ended right about 35 pounds lost, then used some lame excuse (usually some big event or crazy eating weekend) to sabotage my efforts. But WHY???
I was just talking and I finally said, "I let myself go for long periods of time where I put in no effort toward weight loss because not being on a diet is FREEING..." Wow. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I said it. Did I really say that eating junk and not caring about myself was FREEING??? The truth is, I have been dieting or trying to change my lifestyle for more than half my life - since I was about 12 (first attempt on WW).
Honestly, losing weight is exhausting. Sure, being fat is more PHYSICALLY exhausting. But for me, focusing so much on what to eat or not eat, calories, carbs, etc - that is MENTALLY exhausting. I have enough stress as it is with a baby and two elementary age homeschooled kids (and a hubby who works 55-70 hours a week).
So, yeah. I guess when I use an excuse such as gaining 7 pounds over a weekend (that was my sister's wedding - thus ending my 35 pound losing streak with South Beach Diet) what I am really telling myself is - Take a break.
My brain really is messed up. I have been going back and reading all my old blogs from March thru August of 2009. That was when I was crazy about exercise and eating well (other than weekends which I had trouble with) and steadily losing weight. I was proud of myself for my accomplishments. I inspired other people. Heck, I inspired myself!!! (head getting bigger....) I believe that if I hadn't gotten pregnant I would be at goal right now and working hard at getting toned and tightening that loose skin. I would be happy and healthy and every day wouldn't feel like such a struggle.
No one says it won't be hard work to lose weight. No one says it will happen fast. I knew that back in 2009. I was okay with it. I was okay with slow loss and I was okay with hard work and diligent focus. Come back, old Sarah... come back...