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Scared to be thin?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I have been struggling with my weight a lot this past year. Granted I have had a lot going on in my life from my father being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, leaving my job to help with care, and ultimately losing him seven weeks later. In 2011, I gained 20 lbs. I also have been working really hard in the gym to lose those 20lbs. But something is holding me back. I am.

I have noticed that everytime I get close to breaking 180lbs, I binge. Why? Because I am comfortable here. True. I can't fit into any of my clothes in the closet, but psychologically I am comfortable at my weight. I was 180 in high school and have never had a woman's body any smaller than that (except for the brief period of time before I lost my father when I was at 168lbs). It is a thrilling, yet scary, thought to be a "normal" size. I wonder what I would look like. Would I act different? Would I have more self esteem? Who knows. It is a scary thing to enter the uncharted territory of normalcy. So many unknowns. Do I eventually want to get there? Hell yes! But I think I have had too many changes this past year for me to be able to deal with and my way of coping was to not add another change to the list. So, I have been self-sabotaging in order to remain in my comfort zone. My entire world was turned upside down when I lost my father. One of the things a grief counselor told our family was that we were going to have to figure out what our new lives without dad were going to look like. A very scary unknown. Being overweight is comfortable. I know how to be the fat girl. It is a role I have been playing since I entered elementary school. I am good at it. I have no idea how to be thin Erin. But, I am willing to learn one day at a time.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thinking consciously about it. Digesting the situation it is the first step confronting your feelings is not easy but if you do it often enough you'll come out victorious.
    Now you just need to visualize yourself thing every day do it so it becomes the norm the safe place.
    Sorry about the lost of your father. Hand in there.

    3412 days ago
    Yes, I have been through this many times. I would almost reach my goal weight and then I would have a major sugar binge, and it would spiral out of control for days. It would either halt my weight loss or I would gain a few pounds. What I discovered about myself.... that I was scared to reach my goal weight because I would not know who I am anymore! My entire identity had been wrapped up in being the "fat girl" who had been on a diet since she was 6 years old. I had to come to terms with being a new slender person who was not perpetually trying to lose weight and diet. I had to find another goal to focus on that was not weight loss related. I'm am still struggling with this, but at least I have identified the problem and I am working on it.

    3412 days ago
    It is scary to go into the unknown. My heart goes out to you losing your father and dealing with that. Take it slow and learn about yourself as you go. You are going to change slowly so take the time to figure out how you feel at each stage.
    3413 days ago
    I think its a breakthrough that you've been made those leaps in your mind. I think small goals are key - just keep going for that next "little bit."
    3413 days ago
    I know what you mean!!! I have gotten close to my goal a couple of times in the past year, but always end up going back up...I am not giving up, and I bet you aren't either!!!!!:-)
    3413 days ago
    I have felt the same way in the past. It's comfortable to be overweight for me. A fear of the unknown is well scary lol. It took me a while to figure out why I was sabataging myself.
    I am real sorry about your father, when I lost my grandmother my world and my family's world got turned upside down. Before she passed I cared for her, I left my job to help as much as I could. I lost a lot of weight after she passed I couldn't eat at all and then when I finally did get an apetite I ended up gaining a lot of weight. Food is a comfort for me so I turned to it a lot.
    It's great you have identified your issue and you are doing something about it, that is a very big and important step. I know you can do this!!!
    3413 days ago
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