Aftermath of Family
Monday, August 12, 2013
You know, I love my family, I really do, but they are not helpful in my journey to live healthier. Not at all.
I went to visit them this weekend. My mother and grandmother both had birthdays this weekend. I know I never eat healthy when I go there, simply because the options aren't there. My grandmother doesn't cook healthy and no one eats any healthy foods so it's not even like I could volunteer to cook. The best I got was some raw veggies and dip for lunch one day. I also know there isn't the opportunity to exercise because I have to stay up till 3 or 4 am playing cards or talking each night and have to be up between 7 and 8 am to go shop etc. I do the best I can but I know my time home is always a wash.
This weekend however was worse than most. My brother started on me because of my weight. Well, actually he started on me because of my eating. It was 2am ish and we were playing cards. He'd been playing bar tender and so I'd had a lot to drink (also doesn't help the weight and healthy living issue). I realized I needed to put something in my stomach with all I'd been drinking. My brother got Funions out. I don't particularly like them. I mean, they're okay, but they're really fake and processed and overly salty. I never buy them. It never occurs to me to buy them. I don't even register that they are in existence except when my brother puts them in front of me. I ate a lot of them. I was tired, had been drinking, and was emotionally drained. My brother turned around and started making fun of me and making me feel really guilty over how many I ate. Then he started in on me about my weight.
I haven't dealt with anyone making fun of my weight before. I've had people talk to me about it, in a concerned way, or who've made me feel uncomfortable, but I've never been made fun of before. I was and am devastated. I hate myself over it, I hate the way I look, the way I eat, everything. I don't know how to handle this. I'm alternating between not eating anything at all because I feel too awful about myself and feel guilty about eating and going to the other extreme where it's like "he doesn't control me and doesn't have any right to judge me" and so I binge. This is not healthy. I know that. I just don't actually know how to deal. I wish I did. I want to process and deal with this and move on and get back on track.
What's worse is that I have a first date on Friday and all I can think about it how can I lose weight before then no matter weather it's healthy or not.