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December: I haven't blogged in a long time...

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

**LONG POST** Had some things on my mind & yeah, decided to share, and work things out in my head.

December has always been a difficult month for me. There are many people who struggle with this time of year for various reasons. My reasons may seem trivial to some, but relevant to me. I have a hard time with the cold, gray, wintry weather. It is hard to fight SAD, but even when we lived in my paradise of Tampa, Florida I had a hard time coping when December came around. It's been a month of stress, contention and sadness for me all my life.

Some get bit by the spirit of Christmas or the Holiday Bug, I get the Ba Humbugs! I have nothing against Christmas. I know what the true meaning is. However, growing up 'Christmas' meant more fighting by my parents and stress inside the family home. I dreaded the whole month because I knew no matter how much I wished and prayed or asked 'Santa', it would end up the same way every year. Shattered dreams, shattered feelings and more often than not, shattered belongings after one of dad's tirades.

When my kids were growing up, I bent over backwards every year to make sure they always had a nice, happy Christmas. Went in debt every year to give them everything they wanted or needed. 'Santa' never disappointed! Now that they've grown up, I'm relieved not to be in that pinch or feel so stressed to make things perfect for them. As they got older, we would explain what the true meaning of Christmas was, and it wasn't about gifts, expensive electronics, toys and brand name clothing. One less stressful, depression causing situation for me this year. We decided no tree, no gifts, no decorations. Instead we will load up and go for a hike or spend the day on the coast; weather permitting.

December is also my birth month, I've always hated it! As a young girl it was kinda fun to get Christmas & birthday gifts within days of each other, but I never had birthday parties as a kid; no one wanted to travel on icy roads and there's not much to do in the middle of winter, where I grew up, that we could afford. So my birthdays were spent at home with my parents & sister. Sometimes my grandparents would all come over for dinner and I'd get to pick a special dinner and cake. My 13th birthday I had my first sip of champagne. Hey it was the mid '80's - don't judge! I did get a sweet 16 party that was pretty awesome. I'll remember that forever! Best birthday ever!! My 18th I was pregnant with Austin. My 21st I had a 2 week old new born - Arron. The rest were just days on a calendar year after year. No significance. Nothing special.

Try as hard as I do to choose to be happy & grateful, every year brings the blues. I have so much to be grateful for and it seems so wrong to feel the way I do. I try to choose to suck it up and smile. I try to choose to be happy. But it all feels fake. Because it really isn't how I feel at all. When December comes I go into hibernation mode and I just pray the month ends as quick as possible. I paste a smile on for the outside world, but inside I'm digging for the light.

My goal & dream since January 2013 was to be in Hawaii for my 40th birthday. Part of the reason for that goal was to signify a new beginning for myself. Hawaii was going to represent hard work, big dreams coming true and a jumping point to finish my life transformation. I didn't earn the goal! Things got in the way, I didn't work hard enough and we just didn't have the money put away needed for the trip. So we moved the goal date; I still plan on making that dream come true, just a bit later than I had planned. And the significance of being there for my birthday will be lost.

I'm struggling with mixed emotions about the holidays and my birthday now. Trust me I know I need to be happy where I am, with what I have, and who I'll be with. So many people in this world wish they had what I have, and I do NOT take that for granted at all. I doubt anyone could really understand what I'm trying to figure out for myself. Sometimes I don't understand myself either!! I am complicated, contradictory and confusing at my best. Totally & completely lost at my worst.

All I really know at this point is I turn 40 years old in 25 days. And it feels like it's going to end up being just another day on the calendar like any other. It'll come, it'll go. No party. No sunshine. Nothing special. Being optimistic, I will hold out hope for a miracle. There is always hope. Since I can't be in Hawaii, my only wish at this date for my birthday (and the holidays in general) is to be somewhere sunny. Forest, mountain top, ocean or all the above -- as long as I have Nature Therapy, Sunshine Therapy & my family I can survive anything.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you so much for sharing how you truly feel right now, and not try to cover it up out of obligation to our society. The pressure of the media and the unnecessary need to over extend the bank account for material things, and the abundance of hyper-like smiles plastered on faces can feel sooooo depressing in itself! Since it seems so foreign. And when you are just not 'feeling it', it can make the entire country seem foreign to you as well. I feel for you.
    If only they could see that this is not something you choose to go through, and can't really be pushed into the closet. It's real, it's painful. No matter how others might try to tell you otherwise!
    I can completely relate. Holidays are always a harsh reality for me that my family broke up when I was young. My memories were of arguments over how to get my mom to spend time with us, and what day to actually celebrate Christmas, since she didn't often spend 12/25 with us. Just wasn't fun. I chose at an early age to not push myself to put on a false smile if I didn't want to. Not to punish myself for skipping the abundance of parties that would have been miserable for me anyway. It was a good choice for me.
    And then I married a man who had a HUGE family that seemed to plan alllllll year long for the holidays (GAH!). And suddenly I was back to square one. So the past 16 years have a struggle for me during the Christmas season again. He doesn't get why I don't want to go all out, and I try to fight guilt over that while defending my right to feel what I feel. They are our own feelings, no one else's, right? Again, I feel for you.

    Just be confident that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will get through this.
    We are all here for you.

    Forgive me for rambling...hugs!

    2426 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8158758
    I have SAD too and December even in FL is BAD (as you know)! Even with all the sunshine, I think it is worse here than it was in Ohio for some weird reason! I hope you are doing ok now? Glad to see you are still sparking along at least. I have always wanted to go to Hawaii...whenever that would be, will be alright with me...doesn't have to be a certain time...just when we can afford it! Being 17 years older than you...seize the happiness of everyday, because it really helps with depression of any kind. Get out and enjoy nature everyday...it is such a big help to me! Or if weather won't allow it go somewhere you love and enjoy it to your fullest. I know it's easier to say it than to do that sometimes, but life is too short to worry about things that in the great scheme of things it don't really matter. Take it a day a time and live in the moment. Put the past in the past and move on. It worked for me and being on SP has helped me accomplish so many goals. I know now that each goal takes time and if you work at it, it will happen!! emoticon

    Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. ~Margaret Young

    Happiness is a form of courage. ~Holbrook Jackson

    A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour. ~Author Unknown

    Happy First day of spring!! Hope the weather is good for you to go out and enjoy it!!! emoticon emoticon
    2683 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/20/2014 2:03:18 AM
  • no profile photo CD12934164
    I hope the holidays and your birthday are filled with sunshine! emoticon
    2787 days ago
    Hope you get your wish
    2789 days ago
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