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I am a failure

Monday, March 24, 2014

I have lost and gained. And my self esteem is lower now than ever before. At one point I was down 50 pounds and at the lowest weight I had ever ever been. I am now at the highest. I feel like a failure. And I feel disgusted. I keep seeing pictures of myself and I just cringe.

I miss the thin feeling. I miss my scrubs not cutting off circulation. I miss being able to cross my legs like thin girls. I miss seeing my collar bones. I miss liking pictures of myself. I miss just feeling comfortable.

So, when ANEWMACKENZIE called us all out on Facebook for abandoning our Spark Pages, I knew it was the moment I needed to get my butt back in gear. It is sooooo hard though. I need my old support group back. I need to feel like I did 5 years ago when I joined SP. I need it to all be new and exciting again. And I need something to work towards.

With that being said, I have met the man of my dreams. He is honestly the man I have been looking for for so long. We met each other at the most perfect times in our lives, and I feel like my prayers have been answered. God had a plan for me and even though I may not have been exactly patient, I was patient enough and I had faith. And it's time to get this body in shape for the possible future wedding and for the future pregnancy I plan on having :)

So, starting today, March 24, 2014, I am going to work.
210 pounds
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  • no profile photo CD10748384
    2115 days ago
  • ASHESS85
    Glad to see you back. I know it's hard feeling like a failure but honestly it's just so easy to fall back into old habits. Try not to beat yourself up and keep on pushing! Let those "skinny" pictures motivate you instead of making you feel bad. You CAN do this! I'll be here if you ever need someone to talk to. emoticon
    2648 days ago
    I also know Mack! And I totally feel you - I hit back into the 200's and want to bang my head against the wall. This morning? The snap popped off my work pants. This is not what we call a good day. So I totally feel you and met the man of my dreams too! Back in October - we're moving in together this weekend! So oy. I hope to see you around - we have much in common it appears! Let's rock it lady.
    2668 days ago
    awww chickie you are NOT a failure! you're journey is NOT over with yet! i am still on here! not as often as i'd like to be. i do miss all my sparkfriends!!! you can do it girly!!! im here to help you all the way! **hugs**
    2671 days ago
    You've already shown yourself what you're capable of, so that's pretty special. You know the hard work that's ahead, so just focus your eyes, plan your days, and go get it :D It's amazing what you can accomplish in a year when you live each day like it matters. Good luck, Tasha, you can do this!
    2676 days ago
    You're not a failure BESTIE!!! This healthy lifestyle thing isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. You've succeeded before and I know you will succeed again!! Let's get these bodies ready for a wedding and babies!!

    2679 days ago
    You have not failed. Diets are what fails people. Just get back to creating healthy habits, one you can sustain, and make baby steps. You'll get back on track and you must realize life happens and we are not perfect ever. You are beautiful, right now, as you are. Changing your mindset will help you continue those healthy habits.
    Big emoticon
    2684 days ago
    Trust me you're not a failure. Losing weight is hard, like they say, "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it." You can do anything you put your mind too, even if it sucks! lol. Spark has definitely changed since I first started as well so I can relate to that 'feeling' but you came back and there are a lot of people still here to support you! Congrats on finding the right guy, that's an amazing feeling in itself. Now do this because you deserve it!
    2684 days ago
    Thanks guys :) it really is amazing to have a man that loves me unconditionally and is supporting me in whatever makes me happy. It's a great feeling. I just need to love myself now.
    2685 days ago
    I'm so glad to see you are back. You are not a failure. Take it one day at a time and you will get back on track. I'm so happy to hear that you found an amazing man of your dreams. God Bless you both.
    2685 days ago
    its over and done...you can start anew! emoticon
    2685 days ago
    You are not a failure!! You just temporarily lost motivation!! You can do it!! Now quite beating yourself up and do what needs to be done!!
    2685 days ago
    It's like you were in my head with this post. The fact that you are here proves that you are not a failure. It's easy to fall back into old habits and gain back what you'd lost. For me, the feeling becomes "Well, I'm already fat, so I may as well just eat this (insert ANYTHING unhealthy here)." It got to the point where I wouldn't go out and hang out with friends. I no longer had clothes that fit me, and the sight of a camera(phone) terrified me.

    I am glad that you are also making the choice to get back to the version of you that makes you happiest. I am also glad that you found a man who appreciates you, even when you don't appreciate yourself. I've found mine, and it's incredible to know that he loves me at my worst-- and I can't wait for him to see me at my best.

    Best of luck to you.
    2685 days ago
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