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Comfortable in Chaos

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I've grown accustomed to eating larger portions again. I got really sick at the beginning of the year and lost 10 pounds, and kept 8 of those off until recently.

Emotionally, this has been the most difficult year of my life, and I went from being hyper-stressed in the midst of crisis to rolling in and out of this depressed funk now that the major crisis is resolved.

I lay around too much. I don't drink enough water. I eat until I feel full -- or in the case of last night, I eat because I feel like eating.

The past two days I have been VERY consciously aware of these weird, addicted-type of food-obsessing thoughts. I'll be watching a movie and then I can't even focus on it because I can't stop thinking about this potato downstairs that I want to fry. Or how last night I thought about eating a disgusting MRE I found whilst cleaning out the pantry -- JUST BECAUSE IT WAS THERE. Instead I ate three s'mores. I didn't even want the third, but I made it and ate it anyway. I brushed the crumbs unceremoniously from my shirt to the floor. I need to vacuum.

It is time to get a grip. I'm still four pounds below my heaviest weight, but I literally gained two pounds last week. Honestly, though, it's not even about the weight. It's not about the number. It's about being out of control and existing in chaos. I need to get my body and my home in order so I can move forward and get my life back.
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