Wednesday, April 29, 2015
So the novelty is wearing off and we're hitting the point where I remember why this is difficult. Eating healthy food isn't a problem - with all the allergies in my household, eating isn't something we take for granted. So this is just another layer of thinking about food.
But the thing about change is that it requires - well, changing. And if that was easy I'd have done it already. As it turns out, there are reasons that I've developed habits of neglecting myself. It's easier.
It's hard to get out of my warm bed in the morning when I haven't had enough sleep. (8 hrs is my primary goal at the moment, and I've made good progress, with a solid 7 most nights) Exercise takes time, and my schedule is a train wreck. (which, incidentally, we got to see today. An actual derailment) Scheduling time for exercise and me-time means that I have to be able to rely on my family to honor their end of the schedule; I have to have boundaries, routines, predictability.
And that stuff isn't happening yet. It's important, but it's hard. Not just in practical ways, but emotionally. It hurts to realize that the important relationships in your life don't make room for your needs. That you have to fight to establish simple routines, make simple requests. And there are difficult choices to make.
So it feels a little bit like paddling upstream. The good news is that I used to be a whitewater kayaker. I've paddled upstream. I know it can be done! (Certainly, it requires strength, but the secret is in how you angle your boat relative to the current. And how you hold your head relative to your big toe. With practice, it becomes instinctive. Then, you just dig in and, one stroke at a time, you persist. You just exert slow and steady pressure and you get there soon enough!)
I've been tracking my food and a pattern has emerged. I haven't been eating nearly as much as I thought. Many days, I am arriving at the end of the day and finding that I am seriously deficient in calories, which totally explains why I've developed carb cravings that hit HARD every 3 days or so. Because of allergies and some tummy upset, I don't feel hungry. So my body just doesn't get enough nutrition. Add in some malabsorption, and I start having cravings. Eventually, I eat something sugary, and the roller coaster begins.
I haven't quite figured out what to DO next, but I see the pattern and I know where I need to start tweaking. And that's good news. Knowledge is power, right?