Confessions of someone who forgives too much!
Sunday, July 19, 2015
“They” say you should never beat yourself up over what is done. You cannot go back and change things that have happened in the past. Just pick yourself up and move on. Forgive yourself.
However… I wonder. Maybe a beating isn’t in order, but perhaps I need a good, stern talking to, an open and public confession. I actually think I‘ve been too forgiving of myself. Every day I wake up and say “Okay, I screwed up yesterday. Oh well, I’ll just start over again today.” But, then I don’t change yesterday’s behavior. After my shower, I stand in front of the mirror and inhale, contort, and position my body until I present my best look and say, “I’m not so bad.” But, then I don’t see what I look like when I walk away from the mirror. Other deceptive behaviors include: deleting any photos that make me look fat, wearing only one or two different sets of clothes when I go out because they are the most flattering, comparing myself only to people bigger than me, and repeating the same destructive behaviors over and over again. These have not been productive activities.
Here is where accountability sets in: All of my office clothes are too tight. I am losing happy memories by deleting photos that show my true body representation. My health is starting to decline (blood pressure on the rise). AND THE SCALE DOESN’T LIE!
Yesterday, I ate three plates of food and a piece of cake at the family reunion. Then I came home, sat in front of the TV and had a glass of wine, a box of low-fat Triscuits, and a container of low-fat cheese dip. UNFORGIVABLE!
I say I’m not going to have a glass of wine when I get home, but then it’s gone before I even realize it. (One glass is all it takes to throw out all restraint!) UNFORGIVABLE!
I starve myself (don’t even drink water) the day before weigh in so the scale will go down. UNFORGIVABLE!
I “taste” food continuously during meal preparation to the point I’ve eaten a whole meal before it’s even on the table. UNFORGIVABLE!
I count my leisurely stroll in the park as exercise. UNFORGIVABLE!
It all needs to stop – NOW! Forgiveness of my behaviors is only acceptable if there is a sincere attempt to eradicate the behaviors.
Okay, now that I have identified at least some of the issues, I do need to focus on the good things and move forward. However, accountability needs to remain intact. No more, “It’s okay. I will just start over again.” I have an action plan in place, and I will move forward. Every time I screw up, I will refer back to this blog, this day, this promise to myself. I WILL make the changes I need to make to be successful!