Binge Eating Recovery & Life is a Whirlwind
Thursday, October 13, 2016
I'll do a proper update soon with my stats and stuff because I actually did pretty well lately but I just wanted to do something quick because I haven't posted in a while. I'm listening to Radiohead and just peeked at the scale because my weight hasn't budged in a long time and I've been trying to stay off the scale which is rather impossible for me but the point is just to try to have a better relationship with the scale and going longer spans of time without weighing is helpful sometimes, sometimes not. I stepped on this morning, fully expecting to still weigh 186, hopefully not more, and found that I was down to 179--what? I have not been focusing on weight loss. I've made a point not to. I've been focusing on recovery from binge eating. The habit based brain side of it. And it seems to be working. Nothing else has ever worked before, but this seems to be working. And I'm going with it. I'm also having much more life stuff than I've had in a long time. I've let myself fall back into romantic relationships and doing passionate stuff gets pretty heady. A whole set of "stuff" comes with that and the person I become when I'm in romance is more dangerous than the person that I am when I'm certain I'm going to be alone. It also pushes me to be really ambitious about my body. I want to be ultimately glamorous and I want to make my man (or men, whatever the case may be) want me in every way possible. And I'll do whatever it takes. That can get dodgy because my idea of what looks good is thin and waifish and very girly and pretty. Delicate. And men love this. They love it when they leave with glitter on their face and when you are thinner every time they see you. So it's dangerous in that way. My boyfriend even told me this is why he is attracted to me, because I am like this. Because I am always made up and I think he really appreciates my mission to get to my goal weight and wouldn't mind too much if I got really rigid about my weight. But yet this is something that somehow I'm totally okay with. I want a man who will fall for me when I'm glamorous because I know how to be that. If he wants a tomboy, how can I ever be that? So right now I just want to be able to stay in the 70s if I can and try to work towards the 60s--I'm so exhausted of having been stuck in the 80s that was the absolute pits, I felt enormous there, and stay in the creative space I'm in right now.