The Proof Is In The Pudding (almost) Literally
Saturday, May 26, 2018
I just have to laugh at myself. This coming week will be the end of May. This month has been a ^(*^(*&^4&^$&^$!!!!!!! for me. I have had about as many good days as bad. Even Steven. In other words, I am holding and standing in place. It reminds me so much of a patient who has been put on meds. They start feeling much better and think "OH, I feel great. I don't need these meds anymore!" It is the same with me. I started to change my lifestyle February 1st. I had great success in February, March, and most of April. Now in May, I have gone totally crazy. I go three or four days and eat so healthy. Then, I crash. I mean really CRASH! I have never been a binger, but this month I tried that behavior on for size. It is horrible.
I have no idea what my weight is right now because I only weigh myself on the 1st of each month. I can tell all is not well right now. I am all fluffy and droopy again. Why do I do this to myself? You know, I grew up Catholic and we were taught there is a devil on the left shoulder and an angel on the right. Well right now, the devil is beating me over the head with ice cream, chips, burritos, candy, and just too much food in general. This is the pudding proof. You eat junk; you start to look like a bowl of pudding. PLOP! I am not really addicted to the food. I am addicted to the behavior. I am so bored with my life right now. It would be so simple to say "Just do something and get busy!". It isn't that easy. I have no interest in much of anything right now. I am a professional artist and don't even want to make art anymore. This is CRAZY!! I have tried fooling myself into acquiring new interests. Some are taking hold. My only consolation this month is I have started riding my bike again. I love that.
I have really asked myself "What do I really want?" I know for sure all this is in my power. I am in control. I can lose weight. That is the easy part. The first 3 months, I lost 25 pounds. So why am I sabotaging my progress? It is like I thrive on chaos. Or maybe, I am addicted to the shame and guilt that comes with this self image I have had for decades. Who knows? I am not mad or angry with myself at all. In fact, this is part of the process. I am giving myself a YEAR to figure all this stuff out. I know for sure I love spinach. I love eating well. I just have to figure out how to make that my mainstay and stop myself from going back to ugly eating ways. It will work out. It is just hard and takes time.