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This spring and summer has been the worst.....

Friday, August 09, 2019

Sooo..... I had this great year last year and I was on a roll on my lifestyle change and losing weight.
I was focusing on me and I had a great schedule in place and I prioritized my me-time.
I had a walking buddy in coworkers dog and things were good.
Then come April and my coworker got tired of having a dog and found him a different home.
So I lost my buddy....and walking was no more fun.
My last walk was a 10 k on April 15, on the 1 year anniversary on my journey.

During the same time social services took another coworkers 4 children, their father beat them. Being me, I got way to emotionally involved and Dealing with her and that trauma did a thing on me, especially when she took up for her man and tried to blame the school for reporting it and social services for taking them.
Today the children are at home, with her, but he is not allowed to see the children so he lives elsewhere.

Also Around the time my daughter got into a mild depression and was out on sick leave and my focus switched.
She also had a friend with a dog who needed a new home, beautiful dog and my daughter and this dog really clicked. Love at first sight.
(What is up with all these people just throwing their animals around?)

We said we would try and see how it would go with our cats, and things were looking much better.
My daughter got up and out with this dog and she was a sweetheart! Got along with the cats and no tendencies for aggression on either part.
Then one night 4 weeks later, when my girl was taking the dog out, one of our cats hid and scared the dog, she reacted instinctively and bit the cat, so bad we had to amputate her back leg.
Needless to say we had to give the dog back, cause we can’t risk anything like that happening again.
It was a devastating trauma for us both.
The guilt of looking our now 3 legged sweetie (who is doing good) and still somehow miss the hell out of the dog! It’s crazy!

I spent 5 weeks in the states and tried to recover emotionally.
The panic attack I suffered the day we were heading back Made me realize how much stress I’m under at home.

Been back 3 weeks now and here we are.....
My daughter was diagnosed with severe depression 2 weeks ago and on sick leave again. Was put on New meds on Monday so now we have everything that comes with that for the next 2 -3 weeks.
At least she knows and realizes that’s the meds making her feel worse before it gets better.

And here I am, I Have a doc appointment on Tuesday, and in April I thought I would walk in to that weighing in my low 170’s. Instead I’m Gonna show up 12 lbs heavier than last time.
Over the 200 mark I swore I would never be at again.

I’m beating myself up and wondering how in the world could I do this to myself?
How did I get so lost in everyone else’s problem that I completely ignored myself??
And how do I find my way back?
And how do I stop beating myself up ?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    86 days ago
    It sounds like a lot going on. Don’t forget to take care of yourself as you take care of those around you. Hope your daughter finds the right medicatand maybe therapy? To help her heal and surpass this depression.
    678 days ago
    Thank you for kind Words and support. emoticon
    I think I finally reached a point where if I don’t talk about it I’m gonna find myself in too deep of a depression.
    I’m glad I have My SP friends emoticon

    681 days ago
    You've done what you needed to do. We often look after others before ourselves, and that's ok from time to time. You've had so many things going on. Take a deep breath and soon you will be once again taking care of yourself. Big hugs! emoticon
    681 days ago
    emoticon You have had a lot of things going on and have been taking on the burdens of others. Don't be too hard on yourself.
    682 days ago
    You need to make an appointment with that wonderful hairstylist that you treated yourself to several months ago. You don't need to wait; do it now to launch yourself back into self-care. Feeling fresh and well-groomed often heads off a depressive episode for me. Goals and rewards are great, but.... you don't need a drill sergeant; you need TLC and you need it now. emoticon emoticon
    682 days ago
    Oh my, you have had a LOT of things going on. Sounds like you realize that and you are making steps to get back on your path. I am with you on this 100%. Making time for myself has been hard lately. emoticon
    682 days ago
    Because you are a good person!!Those are a lot of emotional things you have been involved with the last year. Any one of them would would be enough to stress you out. You focused on others. It is ok. And unfortunately animals are still animals and will do unpredictable things. My brother and his girl friend have a cat that has had a long happy life on 3 legs--they found her-had been in a trap 10 years ago. Your friend with the kids--not an uncommon phenomena- something that is impossible to understand.
    You work on it one day at a time---you did it before , you can do it again.
    emoticon emoticon
    682 days ago
    Well, You have had a string of issues of late.. I think it is easy to get caught up in others peoples issues instead taking care of ourselves.. I am co-dependent it is easy to fall into that if I am not careful. Some women are taught early on. we are the caretakers and we HAVE to take care everyone else..We don't though..it takes being a bit selfish and learning to care for ourselves first..very hard to do if we are not use to doing it...You can find your way back..we all have to do that here at some point..just start today and do one day at a time..take one small step and be proud of that one step..Try not to beat yourself up its no good and only makes you feel worse..forgive yourself and move on.. I promise you everyone will survive if you don't step in and help..it will good for them to learn they can do things on their own..I have depression also and have had for years..some days are better than others and it is rough for the person going through it and also for others who are watching the person go through it..Believe me when I say..You don't have to save the world..you will feel better when you stop trying
    682 days ago
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