The distress of expectations...
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
This might ramble more than I want it to. Right now, I just know I need to write.
We're starting a project that demands progress. When new flooring is installed, the old mess, ideally, doesn't move from one section of the carpet to another section and back again. There should be improvement on the messes, coordination, organization, shifts. This. Is. Hard.
I live with more than 6 chronic illnesses. Dust allergy is one of them. I *know* I'm going to get sick with the cleaning up progress, and I *know* I'm going to be sick from the new flooring for a time. That's how chemical sensitivities and dust allergies work. I also know I have not and cannot meet the expectations of either my mom or my husband's mom on being an acceptable housekeeper. My husband, bless him, doesn't want perfection, or a museum, he longs for clean spaces. The clutter can hide in cupboards.
This, again, is hard, though. I don't have a real time line of expectation, but am just in "when will this happen" mode. I'm making progress, I've done what I can to spark joy, (that's Marie Kondo), but I'm really struggling today.
Similarly, the scale still refuses to move. The measurements aren't really changing either. Pain is still high. Blood work hasn't been taken, so I see no real positives for the way of eating that I'm on. It's beyond overwhelming. Stress, of course, doesn't help autoimmune issues, so having continued high stress is also a negative for positive progress. :p Adding more exercise is not possible yet due to continuing pain flares. I'm at an impasse. I hate feeling this.
So, there's today's mindset - stuck between the desires, the expectations and the waiting space of now. I have one more week before my next meeting with my dietician, and I really don't know what the ideas will be. For now, I keep stepping forward towards tomorrow.
Thanks for reading what I wrote while the tears slid down my cheeks. For now, I'll take some time to breathe, stretch and find some safe food.