Struggling lately with feelings, good bad and ugly. Help? Caution: TL;DR
Monday, May 25, 2020
I didn't even get on the scale today because I don't EVEN wanna know. I'm really struggling with getting the weight back off. Last year at this time I was 15 pounds to my goal. Now I'm 30 pounds away and I haven't been this heavy for a long time. And oh, do I feel it, in a myriad different ways. But let me lay this out in a different way, because if I do some self-analysis, perhaps I’ll gain some perspective. And please, friends, I’m looking for help, so I really appreciate any feedback you can give, positive or negative. Honest criticism welcome!
Let’s call this the Good, the Bad and the Ugly feelings (apologies to Clint Eastwood) and why I have them. Because I am a complicated and very fallible human being, lots of this is mixed up so please, bear with me.
Good: I FINALLY made exercise a consistent habit, in the form of walking. It took 30 some odd years to get to that, and lose a bunch of weight in the process. Very proud of myself for that accomplishment!
Bad: That habit started seven years ago, and now I am disappointed and frustrated that it's not moving me forward, so to speak. Excuse: (or not, maybe an explanation if I don’t want to be too hard on myself) Last year I had to lower the amount of steps I walk because of foot problems, and then this year I’ve had back problems which lasted much longer than in the past. Which leads into this one:
Ugly: I’m getting older. I may never get the stamina back that I had, the vigor and passion for staying in shape when it was new and more fun, and this is all getting boring and hard and it takes SO MUCH LONGER for me to recover from injury, etc.
Good: I was not afraid in the past to do a Whole 30, and try Paleo for a while, and then Keto. Even though I learned of myself that I could not sustain those things, I did learn different ways of eating, ways of cooking, a better and healthier mindset about food, including my shopping habits. Now, some days I could damn near eat nothing but produce, but I am still an avowed carnivore. I’m proud that I’ve learned this!
Bad: Bad habits creep in over time, and I slip. Candy and sweets and carbs have made more of an appearance in my pantry. Excuse/Explanation: Hubby loves his treats, and there are cinnamon rolls and cookies on the counter as I type this (along with fruit) and a pie in the fridge. I don’t HAVE to eat them, but I do, a little, a nibble here and a nibble there. Not to mention my own horrible sweet tooth, it is the one thing I had a terrible time with during the Whole 30, etc. So I’m angry and frustrated and sad and a bit despairing over my lack of willpower, at the store and home, that I can’t or won’t deny myself. And I know how little it takes for those “little foxes” to creep in and put the pounds back, one glob of fat at a time, on my frame. Anger. Shame. Sadness. What a frackin’ waste. (Self loathing and self talk, too.)
Ugly: (This happened last night, but it’s not the first time.) I was tired, I had dusted and vacuumed the entire house sans the bathrooms, and now had to fry up a mess of potatoes before they went bad. I had some bacon and threw that in too. So after I had done this, and it was really late (about 1 a.m., but we keep very late hours) I went in and brushed my teeth because I didn’t want to eat anything more for the night and I’d just give Hubby his dinner and sit with him while we watched tv. Well, even after my clean teeth, I started chowing on those potatoes as I was plating his dinner up. I kept thinking, these should taste really good with bacon, why am I doing this, I’ve eaten enough today, I’m not really even hungry, what the heck am I doing, these don’t even taste that great, why can’t I control myself THIS IS SO STUPID, I KNOW I’M SABOTAGING MYSELF and I did it anyway. Sigh…….more self loathing ensues.
Ugly: Stress stresses you out. So I’ve been more emotional lately, crying over the things in my life that are gone: some of the people I love from long ago and more recently; my kitties which I miss (terribly some days); the fact that more of my life is behind me than in front of me; a general melancholy which sometimes hits you when you’re older. The world’s a different place than it used to be and that is disheartening at times. I find myself being a bit shorter tempered with my hubby, and less patient with other things too. I just want things to be the way they were, and me included! Sadness, pressure, loneliness. I hate being a basket case.
In conclusion, my lovely Sparkfriends, there’s a small bit of what I’m feeling. Thoughts, suggestions?
p.s. Sorry about the dictionary size of this post. I guess I really needed to write it out!