"It's okay to not be okay"
Thursday, August 13, 2020
I saw this painted on the pavement when my friend and I went for a walk on Sunday - "It's okay to not be okay!" I've been thinking about this saying this week and you know what? I'M NOT OKAY!!! But, that's okay!
You see, I'm the kind of person who tries to find the silver lining. I'm the kind of person who holds it together for everyone else. I'm the kind of person who nervously laughs it off. Until I'm not. And right now I'm not. I'm exhausted. I'm not okay, but I will be.
Since quarantine started, my life has totally flipped upside down, as I'm sure most everyone's has. I'm an elementary school teacher and my entire job description shifted in a matter of days. I learned and adapted, as did my students, to teaching via Zoom. I poured my soul into it to have about half of my class participate at all, to not be able to grade, to have less than half of those students actually do the assignments. Some of my students I never heard from again after March 13th. Some may think that's no big deal, but I love my kiddos! I worry about them! I also work in a Title I school where I know that some of the home situations for these children are not safe. So not hearing from them at all concerns me quite a bit.
Our new school year was pushed back. I go back August 24th now, and I don't have kids until September now. We were set to start with students on August 24th. I also know that 60% of my students are learning remotely this year. I have yet to find out if I'm in person or remote. I put on my preference form I'd go back face-to-face (f2f), to find out days later that my classroom has been over run by mold and then had to bring all of my personal belongings home. I don't want to go back into that building knowing that it has mold! I also realize even if it is fixed in time, school won't look like it did in March.
My husband and I LOVE to travel. Because of my job, I can only really travel during the summer or over holidays (which becomes very expensive). In July, we were supposed to travel to the Florida Keys. We had booked a flight, rented a car, and were driving up and down the Keys for a week in a fun convertible. I had booked an excursion to swim with sharks (top of my bucket list!), and this was to be our "last hoorah" before starting a family. A few days before our trip Florida hit record high infection rates for Covid-19 and continued to outdo itself day after day. So, we decided to cancel our trip. No fun car, no Florida Keys, no sharks. Not cool! The positive of this was that we were getting a puppy and could now get her 2 weeks sooner than anticipated! So, we drove to Virginia, made a little wine tour out of it, and brought our beautiful little girl home. We love and adore her, we have no idea what we did with life before her, but that trip wasn't exactly the trip we had planned for our "last hoorah" and we still feel like we haven't had a vacation.
To top this all off, I got in a car accident in March. I had a doctor's appointment to follow-up on an injury from February and a girl pulled out from a stop sign in front of me. I slammed on my brakes but still t-boned her car. Thankfully no one was hurt! She gave me her insurance information and then left in a hurry. Turns out that she had fraudulently gotten insurance and I'm now out my deductible. My car was fixed with minor front-end damage to just the bumper and light, but I'm still upset. It was just one more thing to pile on the crappy snowball that is this year.
I did a sleep study at home a few weeks ago because I haven't been waking up feeling rested. Originally my results came back as the healthiest person they'd tested thus far. Then, after digging a bit deeper, they found that I have some signs of an unsteady heart rhythm that should wake me at night and doesn't. They told me that I'm basically "fighting a tiger" in my sleep. My mind is able to rest and repair itself, but my body isn't. This could be indicative of cardiac issues later in life, and I have a strong family history of cardiac problems, so this is very concerning to me. After having an exam and talking to the doctor about it for almost an hour we found that my upper jaw is technically underdeveloped and that could be a major contributor to this problem. It can also be the reason I've had sinus issues my entire life. And since I'm not able to get good rest, hello mouth breather, then my body can't repair itself at night during sleep. This is also why I have been exercising and eating well for a long time and rarely see results. If your body doesn't have time to repair itself, you won't see any! So now I am working with insurance to get a retainer-like device that stimulates stem cell growth to continue growing my upper jaw to the proper size and can help with all of that. We'll see what insurance says as it's a hefty amount of money for this treatment, but I find it to be quite necessary, possibly even life saving!
Basically, I'm just over everything right now. I'd like to just sit down and cry but I feel like I should be doing something instead. I feel bad for sitting around during the day for a while when my husband is working full time. I normally sleep in during the summer and spend a bit of time really doing nothing during the day, but this hasn't been the case this year. I can't even really leave to spend time at the beach because of Covid also. This year has really been a wash and I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I've been holding it together and staying strong for a while now, but today I'm not able to do that.
I'm not okay, and that's okay. I will be okay soon.