Tuesday, November 03, 2020
We have a wedding coming up in two weeks, our oldest. It's a covid wedding so toned down lots but I am determined to keep the formality they deserve on their big day. I didn't lose weight for the event like I had planned when they became engaged last year and quite honestly I feel frumpy.
I recently ordered some lace shoes that were flats (comfortable) and when they came they were too small and um not as cute on me. I quickly ordered another pair that had a small heel because now we're down to crunch time. They came today and they are lovely. I was on zoom when I tried them on and then I sent a playful pic to my husband of my shoes and he came into the room to tell me how beautiful they are. I have over eaten today and it was a rough morning all around but these shoes that have a sparkly strap sparked something in me, and somewhere deep deep down inside of me I remembered how it felt to feel pretty and wear nice things and not worry about hip pain and back pain and how embarrassed I would be if I couldn't walk in heels anymore. I turned my camera off on zoom and put them both on and just enjoyed them. THEN, I logged on here and tracked all of it and decided I'm actually too full for dinner (and way over anyway) and that maybe, just maybe, that sparkly girl still exists, You know, the one who likes to dress up and wear shiny things?
I have been doing a plant- based thing since the summer for joint pain and honestly, I'm still hurting. The problem for me with doing any "thing" is that there always exists an "on" or "off" . Whether keto or plant based, gluten-free or sugar -free or fat-free or whatever if there is any way to violate the rules, I will and then I will "start over". I feel like I disappoint the amazing men and women who passionately write the books, plead to me on Youtube, and have even coached me personally, that if I would ONLY follow this plan, I'll have relief...they did. I know that ridiculous but I do get privately ashamed with strangers I have never met or spoken to. Today, when I reached for that amazing cookie knowing I had a day planned on SP already and was straying, a funny thought came to my head like, "huh, this is my decision and I am not disappointing anyone but myself". It was quite a relief. I remember what that used to feel like it was empowering. I super appreciate all of the WW leaders, friends who have succeeded on Whole 30, etc, etc...but by owning it today, I was able to log on and track and make a decision about how I would finish the evening because I've broken no rules and I used to be my best accountability partner, it was my ass in the jeans! More to it, nothing I've ever read and no documentary has provoked that inner stirring in me that I felt when I was able to walk in these shiny, sexy shoes. I know just what to do, I've broken no rules, I am over calories but in control. You are too.