Thursday, February 18, 2021
This has been a heavy day. Just heavy. I had a realization today that brought me some clarity but also opened the floodgates for tears. I love SP, I have for over a decade and whenever I come back I am filled with joy but then I leave again. I like the thought of Sparking more than sparking itself and its been this way for about four years but before that, I was here daily for years. What changed?
Have you ever has a "sweet patch" in your life? the cluster of years that was your favorite? for me it was 35-41. My oldest was just heading out into adult life and we had lots of little ones. At one point we had 5 under 5! So fun. So sweet. They were very happy days for me and I Sparked through those pregnancies and in between. We were in our home in Paradise. I worked out, walked my babies down our little lane, cooked, prepped, in that house. I walked the track and the trail with my middle and older kids on the weekends and did my DVDs on the cold days...
Paradise is gone. My home is gone. My neighbors and friends are gone. My family is mostly gone. Those were my most active days on SP and all my pics are from then in that home, in that town. It's like the association is so strong its painful to be here again sometimes. It wasn't perfect by any means but even logging in makes me long for that place, that time. Even before the fire, when we moved out of that house I had a hard time logging on but I couldn't place it. Now that just about everything I knew there is gone, I am able to understand that the longing just hurts and my days Sparking remind me. When you move out, and things change it's ....interesting and strange and even a little sad. When it just doesn't exist anymore it's hard to imagine because you can still feel your kitchen, your store, your street and it is literally gone. Its devastating. When we left Southern California, we knew we could always visit, drive through our old neighborhood, visit old friends, this is nothing like that. It's all gone.
Now, I've had a couple of years to deal with that but today I understood why Sparking has been a challenge and I'm grateful for the realization. It helps some and I know I can push through the feelings and accept them for what they are. Those were good years, I had good results. It isn't a place or a time that is the magic, it's effort, consistency. I can do that here now. I'm sure I'm not done processing, maybe I never will be. My babies are not babies anymore, five of my children have moved out and along with the town, those sweet days are a thing of the past. Regardless, I would like to be healthy and live longer so here I am ready to do what I know works and to try to stop avoiding this place that both triggers some sadness, and helps me immensely.